Perception

Am feeling surprisingly light-hearted as of now despite:

1. My long case assessment being tomorrow. Will just handle as it comes I guess. Hope I get a simple one please!
2. Having to go in for ward rounds today as we thought the consultant will be doing one later. Guess what, consultant is on leave. And nobody knew? boohoo.
3. Having a very soggy sandwich for lunch due to poor foresight that microwaving my hash brown on top of it will make the sandwich go "splat"!

But there were some good things today too:

1. Met a nice doctor in the common room who started talking to me.Was able to identify my country of origin from my accent lol. He is from Malaysia as well and even knew some of my seniors. Was nice to be able to make a connection without trying too hard, for once. Too bad I was rushing for time!
2. Attended grand rounds today (albeit a little grudgingly) but turned out to be surprisingly useful for once! Now I can put into use my knowledge of interpretation of liver function tests. cool.

So this goes to show - sometimes what you feel is just a matter of perception. :)

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By the way, I realised the perception of "a nice day" is different for Asians and Aussies, as a general rule. I love that today is a relatively cloudy day, with a nice breeze. They think that "a nice day" is a day full of bright sunshine that burns thy skin. Go figure.

I used to don't mind being in the sunshine back home cause for one, it didn't burn my skin. But here, with the high high UV rays, I need to slather on sunscreen and avoid being in the sun too much, or else it will be hello - heat-induced dermatitis! :( Oh and don't forget skin cancers too!

6.5/52

All the dramas aside, which have been resolved now by the way - do you  know it's 6.5 weeks left till my major MAJOR exams?

AHHHHHH!! *freaked out*

Need to stop procastinating and start STUDYING!

PS: Oh wait, I got myself some half priced gourmet ice cream today!! Me happy! Need it for the stress. :P

Unconditional

It has been one week since you left. And it has also been an emotionally and physically draining week.

The theme for this week's mishaps would be: Misunderstandings and Apologies.

I'm so tired of being rash and saying the wrong things to the wrong people and getting myself into trouble. If you don't know, saying you are sorry is not easy... certainly a test of your communication skills! But I must say, 知错能改 (being able to admit I'm wrong and turn over a new leaf) is one of my strengths.

Add all these misunderstandings and trying to make things right to a sick body. You get a person who is emotionally and physically drained.

Let this be a lesson to myself. It's okay to prattle along about yourself, but watch what you say. Now, I don't find it surprising why some people much rather keep their opinions to themselves and be a 好好先生 instead.

And it's so exhausting to keep everyone happy. Walking oh-so-carefully, trying to not tread on anyone's tails. I really hate this.

Whatever happened to really being yourself? I find myself being more and more disillusioned. 

Perhaps you would like to say - welcome to the real world, where things don't go your way - not until you are at the top, anyway.

I thought at the very least I could be myself, truly myself with you... but nowadays I find that I have to be cautious as well.

You know, all everyone wanted is unconditional acceptance. But perhaps there is no such thing in this world afterall.

Rash

I did something really rash today. Should have thought longer before doing things like that. Now I have to swallow my pride and apologize.

This is some self-perpetrated deep shit. AHHHH!!

wtfwtfwtfwtf.

I don't even know if he will accept my apology. shit!!

My friends said I'm not in the wrong... but I feel like punching myself for being so rash and stupid. sigh.

Soon

I'm so excited that I have initial insomnia and early awakening today!! Why?

Because the bf is coming to visit me soon in a few hours' time! After about 9 months of being apart! He will be staying for 1 week only though... But it's better than nothing of coz.

Ahhh... I should probably try to get more sleep. Coz I'm actually still tired.

But yay! so happy!! :D

Trigger

Seeing the video of my friends singing on Facebook reminded me of the good ol' days where things were easy and happy.

Back then, I didn't have to think twice before saying something, I was comfortable just being myself. I had friends who were really friends, not just hi-bye-how-are-you-going-but-actually-i-dont-really-care friends. No. We had a lot of fun, fun that everybody could relate to, fun doing simple things like hanging out, eating good food and singing and chatting. Even going to uni for classes was relatively fun, coz that was the time we hung out. 

It makes me sad though how friends become more and more distant as distance comes between them. I can try to bridge the gap, but there is only so much one side can do.

As time goes on, the memories start to fade - or more like it's buried deep down under so that I can function. But time and time again, something triggers them, and they are brought up like a tsunami with a vengeance - unpredictable and overwhelming. They remind me of what I used to have. What I am missing...

Don't get me wrong, I do have a few good friends over here (thank god for them!) but I do miss the comfyness I used to have chatting with other uni-mates. Now, they are my "colleagues" I suppose, not really close friends per se? Sometimes I find it difficult to establish a bond with some of them, due to cultural differences... which is going to be hard when it comes to working, as everything is all about networking. 

Gotta work on those ice-breakers lines a little more. bleargh. I was never good at small talk. >.< But I think I'm improving at that aspect when talking to patients at least. Now just gotta up the game a little more!

Now, let's talk about the weather, shall we?

Steep

Today is my second week of general medicine. As my previous post eluded to, have been feeling a tad useless (yes even as a medical student lately!).

I realised something, I'm not a very observant person - if left to my own devices, my mind tends to drift off to somewhere. Which is not good if that somewhere is during ward rounds. woops.

Funnily, I need to be kept on my toes. I don't mind being asked questions or asked to examine the patient even though I might not know the answers (well as long as the dr is not too harsh lah okay). That's how I pay attention learn. But so far my team hasn't been really that great in terms of teaching, but fair enough, they are really busy.

Guess I will have to learn on my own. Take history, examine patients myself. Improving on communication skills as well. The accent (or lack thereof) doesn't help though. :/ And I talk too fast. Bad for elderly patients, which make up the majority here. And sometimes I'm not thorough enough coz I don't want to make them huff and puff for me. However, sometimes one needs to be unkind to be kind. yeah.

But you know what. I'm learning. Always a steep learning curve. And it seems to get steeper as it goes. *grits teeth*

One Day

I was feeling kinda upset on friday night as a lot of things didn't go so well during my gen med on-take that day.

But I gotta realise, this is just part and parcel of our lives - just gotta hang on, deal with it and emerge stronger.

It might seemed like a long journey indeed, but one day, I will get there. If I continue to try. Keep that fire burning!

The Bigger Picture

I need to learn how to control this unruly stress of unknown origin. Why do I feel stressed when things are not going the way I want? Small things, but they irk me so. I need to change. Being a control freak (even though it's my own life) ain't getting me nowhere. And binge eating to deal with stress is NOT good. arggh.

I need to look at the bigger picture. There are so many more important things for me to worry about do. As my mum once told me when I was very young: "If other people can do it, why not you?"

Breathe.

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Update: How many medical students does it take to change a lightbulb? Trick question. :P

The correct answer is two, to be precise. If there is anything I have to give thanks for during my time in Perth, it is my friend, Debbi. She has been there for me whenever I needed her. :)

But hey, I can't believe I feel so annoyed with myself for such a silly thing as being unable to change a lightbulb. Yes because I'm vertically challenged and we don't own a ladder. Am I being too hard on myself? But shouldn't a young adult be able to do something so simple on his/her own? I'm not keen to play the maiden in distress role, thank you very much.

In a way, I'm happy that my annoyance led to me being determined to try, so I managed to screw the new bulb and cover back on by standing on an albeit wobbly table. All by myself.

As Hiro from Heroes would say: "Yatta!" :D

Here is it, in my face - proof that I can do things if I want to - if I try hard enough.

Perhaps there is some truth in my mum's words afterall. :)