Live & Let Die

University is probably one of the last stages of life where the friends you make are more likely to be real and true.

Too bad, mine were taken away from me prematurely.

Seeing the photos of the people here having some fine last moments with their university friends in the months leading up to the end of medical school (finally!), I envy them. How nice it must be to have the same group of friends that you are comfortable with throughout your whole medical school.

I can't believe I'm still thinking about this now; but somehow this feeling that it was something that was not meant to be haunts me in a way that I can't quite explain. I suppose it's grieving. In hindsight, what I went through the first year here was perhaps the few stages of grieving: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.

I hope I have come to the last stage because I don't really want to regress to any of the stages. With a few more months to the end of medical school, I suppose it's time for some closure.

Live and let die.

Yay~!!!

Thank the Powers To Be, I had received a job offer from Charlies in WA today! ^v^ I am so so happy and so relieved!!! Perth is where I want to be. :D

I can finally sleep in peace knowing I have a job next year! Now, I am just hoping for my good friends to get a spot in Perth too!!

Life is good! ;)

Just Me

...i have just learned how sharply and painfully difficult it is to come home to a dark, dusty and empty apartment alone at night, and knowing that the same thing is going to happen tomorrow, and the day after that, and the day after that. it doesn’t matter how loud or filled with people the preceding hours of the day were, or even if i’m brimming with happiness as i step through the door — it is an acute and exhausting acknowledgment when i brush my teeth and get ready for bed that tonight it’s going to be just me... 

Was just reading Quaintly.net and this part of her post sums up exactly how I feel about long-distance relationships. She has managed to put her emotions into beautiful strings of words that stir up sentiments within.

I know it's gonna be hard, it is hard.

But great things are worth fighting for and we will continue holding on to the faith that one day we will be together again. And when that day comes, we will appreciate it even more, because it has not come easy for us.

One, Two And...

Round Three tomorrow. Hope?

I wonder if it's a lottery game of luck or does it really boils down to how good you have done in your studies, CV and their essay? We will see tomorrow, I suppose.

Well at least I had really tried my best. My philosophy is if you never try, you have ZERO percent chance of success. If you at least try, you still have a better chance than if you never try at all.

I have never been a compulsive email checker especially on my iPhone. But recently, I have been checking it a few times a day, hoping to find a glimmer of hope waiting for me in my email...

I must stay optimistic!

Plateau

It's funny how cynical I used to be. Not sure how different I am now actually.

But I think I really believe that optimism brings good luck. So stay optimistic!

Ironically, in another area of my life, I feel hopeful yet somewhat resigned to fate. They say there are highs and lows but I feel numb. Plateau - that's the word for it.

Do you think it can be fixed? Or does it even need fixing in the first place?

Dare I?

Am currently in my second week of psychiatry posting. Am not hating it since it's pretty cruisy, but am not loving it as well, coz it's just not my cup of tea.

I either get too emotionally involved when patients tell me their sad stories (I really feel sorry for some of them! sigh) or I get too bored with the mundaneness. The interesting moments are few and far in between and probably involves me being fearful that the patient will lash out suddenly and punch me. heh.

Well, I really should study during my free time but procrastination habits die hard. :( Am spending lots of time watching Masterchef Australia online. :P

On another note, second round of internship job allocations start tomorrow for most states. Dare I even hope?

Lacking

Seriously, consideration is a virtue that is severely lacking nowadays.

What I need to do is remind myself not to change my decision end of this year. Don't become soft or try to persuade yourself otherwise. Because some things will not change.

At least I can say I am doing pretty well in the toleration department. Good training for future years!

Pattern

Sometimes, I wish we didn't need all kinds to make a world.

Anyhow, I am sensing an underlying pattern here. It's almost as if you could put these people into a special group of their own.

Well, there is a tried and tested method - keep them at arm's length. Haven't you heard of the phrase: keep your friends close and your enemies closer?

Just kidding! My way of approach is more likely to be along the lines of "out of sight, out of mind!"

Unearthed

My winter break is inching nearer towards its end. I had spent much of this holiday just relaxing my mind and spending time with family and friends. Well, after such a frazzling 4 months, I do think this break is well-deserved. Who said 6th year is cruisy? Mine so far definitely wasn't.

Anyhow, certain events in the past few days have gotten me thinking.

For one, the power of social media cannot be underestimated nowadays. What we have in front of us are evidence and statements from both parties. We are not fools - we can make our own judgements.

I think I will stop here now for fear of repercussions. But tell me, is this the sign of a real democracy if a citizen feels scared to give his/her own opinions? What ever happened to freedom of speech?

Last but not least, recent events have stirred up a sense of patriotism in me that I thought was long dead, buried by disappointment and incredulousness at blatant lies and a lack of common sense.

I can still hope, for a better Malaysia.

WTF

Tell me if the absurdity of all of this doesn't get your blood boiling.

Normally I don't swear, but this deserves a WTF response. Add it with this: o.O

Back! (Figuratively and Literally)

Hello everyone! Gosh, it has been ONE MONTH since I posted! This has not happened...like ever! I think. Well, it is definitely a rare occurrence anyway. Not that I'm going to check all my previous posts just to verify that sentence. Ha.

Anyhow, yesh I am still alive. I have survived this very busy month! (hey I do have a valid reason why I had not posted for so long, okay!)

Internship applications are finally over!! (except for Singapore - will get down to it soon) I am definitely glad I have gotten that off my back! Was going insane over the various documents, procedures and essays that they wanted! I swear, I was so stressed that I think I looked like this -->

okay, fine. I don't think this picture is exaggerative enough. but you get the drift.

The other thing I had to contend with was a super busy general surgery posting. Long long hours, lots of stressful assignments and assessments. sigh! It's finally done too!

It has definitely been a few hectic weeks. But I'm okay. Time to get a breather. Winter break is here! And I'm home for holidays! :D

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The oddest things touch you unexpectedly sometimes.

Yesterday, on the flight, the pilot was making his usual commentary about the weather etc, then he said: "Welcome to Malaysia. And to Malaysians, welcome home."

That last part. Touched me somewhere in my heart. It was a twinge that could not be suppressed. Because I knew even though in all this familiarity that is 'home', they would still look at me suspiciously because of my skin colour. They would not judge me on merit and my hard work. At least not in the near future.

I am sad that we are not even static. But rather going backwards.

People always say we have a choice. But tell me honestly, if you had the same choice, would you make the same one we did? If you did choose to go back, I applaud you for your courage.

But please don't expect everyone to do the same thing you did. I believe that respect and courage has to be based on reality. Not ideality.

-----------------------------------------------------------------

And you. Just be grateful that you were born into the lap of luxury and had the privilege of not understanding what is poverty or being discriminated against. Don't make insensitive comments about things you don't understand.

The Small Things

Is it understandable for me to feel envious of couples who have all the time in the world to hold hands and whisper sweet nothings into each others' ears?

I don't even want sweet words. I just want to see you, hug you and share things with you as they happen; not as a summary every other night.

With my short term memory loss brain, I miss out on the small little things too. And you know, it's the small little things that matter.

What's a Synonym For 'Busy'?

Sorry guys, been pretty busy lately.

Am currently doing surgery and anaesthesia which has a total of 6 weeks and 2 weeks respectively. Already did 2 weeks of surgery and now taking a break from that with anaesthesia.

Anaesthesia is quite an interesting speciality, with lots of physiology and pharmacology! Doctors are generally nice and happy to teach. I think I learnt quite a bit in the few days we had.

Anyway, not going to write more here because I have an assessment tomorrow and I haven't finish writing up the case yet.

Btw the other reason I'm so busy is that intern applications for next year is out! So many things to do... Can you believe it? We are going to be working soon! *Gasp*

Devious

De·vi·ous

adjective /ˈdēvēəs/  Showing a skillful use of underhanded tactics to achieve goals - he's as devious as a politician needs to be - they have devious ways of making money

What a fitting word.

Past - Present - Future

Since you guys know about my short-term-memory-problem, it comes as no surprise that while attempting to write my 1st CV for intern applications (oh no?! work!), I had to look through my blog archives to find out what I did in the past. Although I think that probably counts more for long-term memory problems already.

Anyway, before we digress further, I was digging through old dusty posts to find what I want. And obviously I had to skim through a few of my posts, and I am still a little surprised to find how different my blogging style has evolved over a few years. Not only that, I am probably a very different person from that wide-eyed 19 year old girl that started her first year in university, a place away from home.

I wonder was the change for good or for bad? Maybe it's a mixture of both. Perhaps it's called growing up. As we grow up, the more responsibilities we have, the less carefree we can be. Becoming an adult is not all fun obviously, and next year we will have to take another giant leap, to finally start working!

But sometimes, I wish I can go back to those happy carefree days in imu. A time where we can all laugh freely and not worry about having to adapt so as to not appear 'weird' in front of others. 

I wonder if there will ever be one day when I won't feel the need to adapt anymore. It should become second nature. (Interestingly, it's only second nature, so whereabouts lies my first nature?)

I think change is gradual but coming. The other day, someone called me by my full name and it suddenly felt foreign to my ears. Because I have become accustomed to an abbreviated version of my name - something I did because I got tired of the repeated "sorry, didn't quite catch that" that came my way whenever I introduce myself with my full name. And how funny - just a couple of years ago, that abbreviated version sounded foreign to these very ears.

The country says we don't love her, but truth to be told, in a way, it will always be home in my mind - but because she doesn't love us enough, we have been compelled to seek greener pastures and call them home too.

Pre(ramble)

Assessment (again!!) tomorrow! Hope it goes well! *fingers and toes crossed*

It's so nice to have a 3 day week. Too bad it only happens once in a year. I heard other unis have a one week break. One week, you hear me? I AM JEALOUS.

Digressed. Yup, you can do it. Sorry I'm rambling to myself again with my pep talk. :/

You can quote me. Confidence is the stepping stone to success. :D Be confident!

Strangers, Again

How true, about the stages of a relationship.

I hope we will always stay at Stage 4. :) Let's do our best to keep it alive!

A Long Day

Today has been a very long day. 

This was how my day went:

• Started with being harassed to complete a discharge summary ASAP (hey what do you think I'm doing? twiddling my thumbs in the air? I'm doing my best here, and I don't know the patient k!)
• Multiple cannulas (which I'm happy to report, I currently have a 50% success rate now - compared to my previous 0%! the new cannulas are so difficult!)
• Various attempts to get some of my assignments done (drug charts, confusing outpatient prescriptions! and many more...) oh ya, I hvta bug my team, who are the nicest ppl ever, to help answer my various questions! sigh.
• Quick break for lunch then afternoon dermatology clinic. Sat in with a really nice doctor who taught quite a bit. That was a plus point for once. But I still find most of dermatology confusing. All of these skin lesions look the same to me!!! Clinic finished very late though so there you go, negative point there.
• Had to go to Woolies to get some household stuff. Even though it was late. argh.
• Came back home and guess what broke the camel's back, so to speak? I spotted a large cockroach overturned on its back wriggling its legs around on the kitchen floor. I really hate cockroaches coz I think they are really dirty. No, I'm not scared of them but I detest them! I usually am able to bunch up a wad of toilet paper and get rid of the small ones but this was HUGE and MOVING!! I'm not touching that!! I used the dustpan to nudge it into a plastic bag and quickly clamped it down as it's started moving frantically. Then I quickly got rid of it outside in the bin (after making sure it wouldn't be able to make a break for it but tying it up in another plastic bag!! SO THERE!!).
• And now my right hip aches. I think I'm putting more weight on it than my left while standing around. I think I'm going to get arthritis when I get older. sigh!

And here I am now, typing away, trying to get all the frustration out of my head...!! I really need a break! Too many things happening... Thank god for the super long weekend this week. pfft.

The Dusk Version

Tada! Did you notice the brand new layout of this blog?

Have been working on the new header during the last long holidays. Decided to unveil it now, just because I feel like it!

This is like the total opposite of my sunny summer-like header previously. Going for a more mysterious twilight effect with this one.

Let me know what you think, comments please!!! :D Thanks!

PS: Btw my cute lil doctor now has a stethoscope! :P

(E)motions

It's been two weeks since you left. I think I'm doing okay. How time flies. Keeping busy is keeping me from having what a patient I know would call a "pity party".

Today is the first day in a long time where I could come home early on a weekday. Been really busy recently - lots of assignments, assessments etc. The usual works. And getting used to work a pre-intern should do I suppose.

You just started work this week, congratulations, I am so proud of you. :) Work hard and take good care of yourself, for your own sake and the little patients too. I'm sure the kids will bring joy to you, even though how hard work might be. The learning curve is always steep, but you will get there.

You know, dear. I really miss you.

Without you by my side, I feel like I'm just going through the motions. Waking up everyday, going to the hospital, coming back to cook meals and rest then sleep. And it keeps repeating over and over again....

But I know one day, in the not so far future now, we will be together again. :) And I will look forward to that day.