Keeping Up The Pleasing Facade

Sometimes, I wonder how do people find the energy and the will to try to please others and feed their egos by saying nice sweet nothings [which they don't mean at all] almost every single minute of the day.

I can't. I just can't find it in me to purposely please others, especially when you yourself might be burning with anger and indignation inside. I have always firmly believed that one shld be true to one ownself. Today was the first day someone told me straight to my face that she likes the fact I'm very true to myself AND meant it as a compliment. Before this, it was always "I really like you that you're very straightforward and true to yourself. But maybe you shld change a bit, as it might be not advantageous to you in the future."

It's true. Maybe it's my biggest flaw, the fact that I'm extremely crippled in hiding my own emotions, which have been going thru a maelstrom lately. Which a lot can said to be due to undue stress.

Yes, I get easily stressed up over the smallest silliest things. And a lot of the time, it's out of concern and worrying for others. But no, I don't think they know or appreciate it. Instead, they might think that I'm just an oversensitive bitchy fool who complains and whines a lot over the tiniest stuff. Can anyone teach me how to be indifferent and not care so much? It's hurting me and people around me.

I'm feeling lost now. It doesn't take much to make me happy and forget my troubles. But it also doesn't take much to take it all away and watch the rocks come crashing down. That's how I am made. But this time, it might be that the sky is the one that is falling down. And no, I'm not a character in a Chicken Little bedtime tale.

It's not healthy. But it's not easy to change. You are not me, so you probably won't understand. And will just dismiss this post as just an "emo post" which in the end, very well might just be that.

But can anyone tell me please, how in the world, do you go on and on keeping up this facade of cheery pleasing faces to others? How do you keep yourself emotionally distant from others? And when is it that you are truly you and no one else?

Try as I may, sometimes I just can't go on. Then I'll say hurtful things I don't mean and know very well that I shouldn't say them, but still, my mouth has a mind of its own and... I say them. Or my change in sentiments and emotions are reflected a tad too clearly on my face even when I know very well I shouldn't. I just lack the urge or ability to go on showing this cheery happy facade, do you understand? I really can't.

I really dunno. No one really seems to understand. I give them credit for at least trying, but I don't think they do understand. If they do, they wouldn't be so afraid that they might say the wrong thing and get me all worked up. They don't understand. I try to do good, but no, it is just not working. But then I can't expect a perfect world where everybody is a great noble utilitarian, can I? Silly naive me.

My blog - I love it a lot. It's the only place where I can express my thoughts. (although recently there has been some conflict regarding that too, but I'm not going there *extracts self from dangerous territory*)

I shouldn't be emo-ing my time away. Time is precious now. Let's hope the world will become a little more brighter tomorrow.