An Alternate Life Dreamt

There is this sense of deja vu where I imagine a whole life completely different from what I have now if I was living in a place where it was what my country could have been.

The asian colleagues I met here made me feel like we perhaps could have much easily been friends working together. It was a familiarity and comraderie that I seemed to miss. Perhaps, it was a place that will allow me to be myself, instead of multiple versions of myself.

But I should be glad of what I have now, coz at least I'm happy where I am and the future looks bright.

PGY2

Hi my beautiful people (well at least those who are still reading)!

Well who can blame you? My last post was around 4 months ago! Gosh how fast life pasts when you have a full time job with proper responsibility (yes patients do get into serious consequences if you forget something important!) and a desperate need for proper R&R when you are finally off from work!

Anyway, here's an update. I'm no more an intern, I am actually a proper resident now! ^v^

The last year has been a really interesting yet challenging year. It has been an exponential curve in terms of learning and clinical experience (although it seems everyday I still learn something new and the amount of things I don't know thrills/frightens me sometimes!)

But yeah, it has been good to observe and self reflect on my growth as a doctor in the past year. If I compare myself to the start of last year - I have definitely grown in leaps and bounds. And will continue to grow with each day.

I will be glad of the advice someone gave me when I just started work. It is very easy as a junior doctor to sometimes forget to think on your own and just follow bosses' orders and do paperwork. But he told me: Although we still have to do scut work, we can always think on our own what is our differential diagnosis, management plan and how it compares to the seniors'. And that is how you learn. And let me tell you, even though it's called scut work, let me tell you, my dear patients, be nice to the junior doctors (well the good ones anyway) coz they are the ones who actually know the small details and actually organizes most things for you..

Anyway, rambles aside, I still haven't really decided what I would like to specialize in. I seemed torn between ED and a medical speciality like respiratory. Problem is I like most things!

Oh well. I definitely will take this year to continue to learn and grow. I'm glad I managed to swap my 2 terms this year and overall it looks like a fulfilling challenging year.

Till the next post - god knows when! - please take care, everyone and live life! :)

One of my pet peeves? Distant acquaintances who only talk to you when they need you for a favour. I mean, how obvious can you get?

Not Anymore

A few weeks ago, someone asked me how I felt about my job - I told them there are good times, there are bad times - but on the overall, I love my job.

Today was one of those bad times. Healthcare workers here get verbally abused a lot, and the worse thing is, we shouldn't stand for it. But the really worst part? We do.

From talking with my colleagues, there seems to be a lack of respect for doctors nowadays. Actually, scratch that, I don't even feel like I need to be respected for my job, but can you please treat me like how you would treat a normal fellow human being? All these sort of verbal abuse wouldn't be tolerated anywhere else, I'm sad that it's rampant in healthcare settings. Not only from patients but also from fellow healthcare staff too...

The change in me from being a newly minted doctor to more than halfway through my internship is what I would definitely call life changing. There seems to be a general consensus from my peers is that internship hardens you - it makes you more experienced of course, but it also makes you tougher. It's sad but you do become more cynical compared to that shiny bright eyed you that just graduated and is eager to please. You start not taking any more shit from people, coz why should you?

I think I'd finally reached a point where I don't care anymore - if you start verbally abusing me, I'm not gonna take your shit anymore - I will tell you (still politely) that that is unacceptable behaviour and walk away if necessary. This is just my job, I'm not your slave. I'm going to stand up for myself. I tell you, this job can make the nicest person become the most stony hearted b*tch. True story, many people have told me so. And you know what else? Swearing a lot more.

I need to remind myself why I chose medicine - for the patients who care about us and are grateful for the care they receive. I wish we have more patients like that. Patients who cared as much about us as we care for them.

I Love My Job

Four whole months of spontaneous hiatus. Did you miss me?

I won't make excuses; I have just been either busy working or busy living life. Time sure flies, especially when you are working, can't believe I'm now almost halfway into my internship year. It's been great so far - sure, there are ups and downs in every job, but the ups far outweighs the downs I believe. I love my job, I love my patients (well there are some I could do without, to be honest!).

The Ups: I see and learn lots of different things everyday. I am exhilarated when I think I have solved the mystery of a pt's illness! I meet lots of different and interesting people everyday (patients and colleagues). It's fun when I see how far I have come in just 6 months, I am able to better summarize and refer patients in most situations, getting to the point is important. I am able to make (small) decisions by myself, occasionally creeping towards the bigger ones (but don't worry I will check with the boss after!). It's a great feeling, getting this confidence, to be more comfortable in these doctor shoes that I am wearing.

The Downs: Ahh.. these are the aspects you will never realise till you start working. There can be a lot of stressful, frustrating, nail-biting situations where everyone demands a piece of you - at this very moment. Sometimes, it seems as no one cares whether you are capable of ninjitsu and cloning yourself into five people to finish their jobs at the same time. Sometimes people don't seem to understand, we need to prioritize, it's not we don't want to see your pt now, it's just that there are sicker pts to sort out first, especially if we are already aware that yes, there is a list of non-urgent jobs left for me to do and yes, I did say I will get to them later, so can you please stop calling me about them since you only just called me 15 mins ago?

Enough of ranting, despite all that, yes I still love my job. The money doesn't hurt either. :P

Just Human

One month into being a doctor, all I can say is - it's not easy.

I suppose the fact that I'm only writing about this now shows how busy I am. One month had just passed in a flash and now the reality that I'm a doctor had sunk in. There are a lot of things that makes being a doctor far different from being a medical student. 

You are expected to answer your pager (which you feel like smashing into a million pieces after the cool first time it rings), you are expected to know every detail of your patient's life (from the fact whether they opened their bowels yesterday or do they have 2 dogs and one of them is a poodle), you are expected to know the dosage/brand name of every drug on earth, you are expected to write notes while balancing the obs/med/fluid balance chart while keeping the patient propped up while the consultant has a quick listen to their chest, you are expected to keep an eye on your patients' bloods and have them ready at hand if the consultant wants to know every minuscule detail, you can't avoid that mean patient that verbally abuses you, you are expected to handle all the nurses' questions, you are expected to do all the ward work plus discharge summaries and the best part is: you are expected to perform all of this efficiently on an empty stomach, a full bladder and a mind that is going crazy inside.

That probably sums up my life in a neat little paragraph now. I love my job, I really do, I'm not complaining.

But sometimes things get hard - I love my patients, I do my best, but sometimes it's hard when you get patients who scold you even though you mean your best. I try not to take it personally, but sometimes it's hard.

So sometimes when you wonder why the doctor hasn't come to see you yet, or had forgotten a little thing - please be patient with them - we do our best but we are still just human.

In Comparison

Although there might be a lot of things that seemed frustrating and even annoying sometimes, I remind myself these are the things that are necessary to make the good things seem even better.

How will we appreciate the ups without the downs?

And the best way to approach these things is by thinking reflectively, in the big scheme of things, these worries will look minuscule in comparison. I know I'm a worrier by nature, but I would like to strive to become better as I grow old up.

I always tell myself: what's the meaning of life if you can't stop to smell the roses along the way and enjoy life in all its beauty?

Sense (& Sensibility)

I have been giving this topic some thought as I had the pleasure of indulging myself in quiet observation of how people went about their daily matters.

It still amazes how different people are and can be even when faced with the same situation. The interaction or clash of personalities is interesting. I hope not to be thought of arrogant but somehow as I grow up, there are things that were not evident to me before that become crystal clear now.

I'm amazed at how people that I used to think sensible can now be biased in their comments, before being set straight by another. People who I thought were superficial, immature and even vulgar as growing up, unfortunately have regressed even further. I am upset that not only the latter has not progressed, the former has even regressed.

Why are some people so unjust, so unfair and so prejudiced? Is this all the product of genetics, environment or both? I believe it to be a combination of factors (as everything always is) but I pity the people who are shallow in character because they were brought up in an environment that encouraged criticism and verbal cruelty towards another human being. Just because that human being is dependent on you for work, that does not mean you can take away even their pride as a fellow human being. Would you like to be treated that way if your very circumstances were reversed?

Confucius once said: "Do not what onto others what you would not want others to do to you." It sounds like a simple statement but it is harder than ever. Whenever you are tempted to do something that disadvantages others, think again - would you like that to happen to you in their shoes? If you believe in karma and reincarnation, then do fear the repercussions of your actions, those shoes might be reversed in another life; however, as a human, even without those beliefs, you should always try to do right by yourself and others.

Of course, I'm only human and I know I have faults too. But at least I reflect on my faults and try to be better the next time. These people - they are sunk in their ignorance and continue on without any regard for others - without any change forward. 

It is sad but it appears that common sense is not common at all.

Dr. As A Prefix And Other Things

Apologies! I have not kept to my word to blog a little more. Perhaps nowadays I prefer to live life more in the flesh and jot a word of wisdom here only whenever I fancy? (code phrase for lazy to write :P)

Anyhow, yet again, a lot had happened since my last post. I had since sat for my last exam and had passed medical school! You can add a pretty prefix of DR. to my name now with a flourish! :D Truth to be told, I still feel weird/surreal whenever I see my name with an added Dr in front in print. Doesn't seemed to be addressed to me. Perhaps it just needs to take time to sink in.

Well, my uni had a dedication ceremony for us as my convocation ceremony is actually in april next year (don't ask me why we have to go to our convocation after we had started working!) My family attended the relatively meaningful ceremony (where we took the revised oath by the way!) and took it as an opportunity to visit perth for a week.

The family trip was fun yet tiring, coz for once, I was the leader! I made the decisions (with discussion of coz, as any good leader would do) and showed the way (no small task for someone who is no good with roads)! I think my lil sis enjoyed the trip immensely. She loved the food, and was game to try most stuff. :)

In the midst of the above, I also had to move house as my lease was coming to an end. We almost couldn't get a house because it was peak season and there was a lot of competition to lease a house! If there is something I don't like about perth, it's how immensely difficult is it to lease a house!! I thought it will be easier since both of us will not be poor students soon and will be earning honest salaries. But alas, our advances were spurned thrice before we managed to obtain a really pretty new house. (hmm I think I have been reading too many Victorian style novels that I'm starting to write like them!!) 

I have a new housemate now as well as my previous housemates have either moved interstate or chose to move out solo. Anyway, I hope we will be able to make our new house into a lovely home. :) This is one of the best things I am looking forward to after graduation. (gosh, I sound like an old maid is what I would like to say, but actually as I grow up, I realised that cleaning and cooking are actually things that one needs to do to sustain oneself. you are lucky if you have someone to do it for you.) However, I am even more hopeful of a time where I will have earned enough money to have a beautiful house of my own, so I will be able to do whatever I like with my own home and not worry about inspections or putting special tape on walls so that they will not be damaged. Ah, I'm rambling again.

In conclusion, you can see from all of the above that I had definitely been keeping very very busy. I'm currently back in penang, my lovely island hometown for a well-deserved break before getting ready to break out for work as doctor!! (omgosh, how those lovely syllables roll off my tongue. :P)

By the way, did you realise that I have somehow managed to insert many brackets in this post?

I AM BACK!!

HELLO! Probably no one is reading this. But I can't believe that I have not blogged for almost TWO freaking MONTHS plus!! That is like totally insane for me.

But I do have some excuses lined up. First up was that I had been away at rural without internet (except that on my mobile) for a month so that was that. Btw did I tell you I have a really amazing time during my rural GP? There were some down parts of coz like missing my good friends, but otherwise I saw and did a lot of different stuff. There were some physical stuff that I never thought I would be able to do too! It was an awesome experience!

Anyhow, I came back and started with my last rotation in med school which was the Emergency Department! Guess what? I loved it too. I am considering it as a career choice now. :P But I haven't decided if I am able to handle those grossly deformed multitrauma cases yet as I had yet to meet one in the face, so to speak. But I love the variety and the investigative approach to finding out what's the acute problem of the patient. I think it suits my personality too. :)

Okay, I apologize for not posting for so long, coz I have been busy with many things. I am moving house at the end of this month too so have been looking for a place to live. Not my favourite activity but what's gotta be done gotta be done. Am currently applying for a place so cross your fingers that we can get it. I'm moving in with someone new as my current housemates are going elsewhere. Let's hope it will all go smoothly from here, as there were a few hitches along the way. But I am really looking forward to have a nice little place of our own now, instead of a messy student place.

I better stop rambling. As usual, one of the little motivation I'm writing this now is because I'm procrastinating again. I have an ED exam tomorrow. And my end of year exams in less than 2 weeks so I probably should be cracking out the whip. But seriously I have never felt so amotivated. Probably because there is just so much to read about that you kinda give up and decide to hang your luck on whatever knowledge you have with you now. (which by the way, always escapes by osmosis everyday!)

Okay I better focus on the exam tomorrow first. STUDY STARDEEEE!!

Live & Let Die

University is probably one of the last stages of life where the friends you make are more likely to be real and true.

Too bad, mine were taken away from me prematurely.

Seeing the photos of the people here having some fine last moments with their university friends in the months leading up to the end of medical school (finally!), I envy them. How nice it must be to have the same group of friends that you are comfortable with throughout your whole medical school.

I can't believe I'm still thinking about this now; but somehow this feeling that it was something that was not meant to be haunts me in a way that I can't quite explain. I suppose it's grieving. In hindsight, what I went through the first year here was perhaps the few stages of grieving: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.

I hope I have come to the last stage because I don't really want to regress to any of the stages. With a few more months to the end of medical school, I suppose it's time for some closure.

Live and let die.

Yay~!!!

Thank the Powers To Be, I had received a job offer from Charlies in WA today! ^v^ I am so so happy and so relieved!!! Perth is where I want to be. :D

I can finally sleep in peace knowing I have a job next year! Now, I am just hoping for my good friends to get a spot in Perth too!!

Life is good! ;)

Just Me

...i have just learned how sharply and painfully difficult it is to come home to a dark, dusty and empty apartment alone at night, and knowing that the same thing is going to happen tomorrow, and the day after that, and the day after that. it doesn’t matter how loud or filled with people the preceding hours of the day were, or even if i’m brimming with happiness as i step through the door — it is an acute and exhausting acknowledgment when i brush my teeth and get ready for bed that tonight it’s going to be just me... 

Was just reading Quaintly.net and this part of her post sums up exactly how I feel about long-distance relationships. She has managed to put her emotions into beautiful strings of words that stir up sentiments within.

I know it's gonna be hard, it is hard.

But great things are worth fighting for and we will continue holding on to the faith that one day we will be together again. And when that day comes, we will appreciate it even more, because it has not come easy for us.

One, Two And...

Round Three tomorrow. Hope?

I wonder if it's a lottery game of luck or does it really boils down to how good you have done in your studies, CV and their essay? We will see tomorrow, I suppose.

Well at least I had really tried my best. My philosophy is if you never try, you have ZERO percent chance of success. If you at least try, you still have a better chance than if you never try at all.

I have never been a compulsive email checker especially on my iPhone. But recently, I have been checking it a few times a day, hoping to find a glimmer of hope waiting for me in my email...

I must stay optimistic!

Plateau

It's funny how cynical I used to be. Not sure how different I am now actually.

But I think I really believe that optimism brings good luck. So stay optimistic!

Ironically, in another area of my life, I feel hopeful yet somewhat resigned to fate. They say there are highs and lows but I feel numb. Plateau - that's the word for it.

Do you think it can be fixed? Or does it even need fixing in the first place?

Dare I?

Am currently in my second week of psychiatry posting. Am not hating it since it's pretty cruisy, but am not loving it as well, coz it's just not my cup of tea.

I either get too emotionally involved when patients tell me their sad stories (I really feel sorry for some of them! sigh) or I get too bored with the mundaneness. The interesting moments are few and far in between and probably involves me being fearful that the patient will lash out suddenly and punch me. heh.

Well, I really should study during my free time but procrastination habits die hard. :( Am spending lots of time watching Masterchef Australia online. :P

On another note, second round of internship job allocations start tomorrow for most states. Dare I even hope?

Lacking

Seriously, consideration is a virtue that is severely lacking nowadays.

What I need to do is remind myself not to change my decision end of this year. Don't become soft or try to persuade yourself otherwise. Because some things will not change.

At least I can say I am doing pretty well in the toleration department. Good training for future years!

Pattern

Sometimes, I wish we didn't need all kinds to make a world.

Anyhow, I am sensing an underlying pattern here. It's almost as if you could put these people into a special group of their own.

Well, there is a tried and tested method - keep them at arm's length. Haven't you heard of the phrase: keep your friends close and your enemies closer?

Just kidding! My way of approach is more likely to be along the lines of "out of sight, out of mind!"

Unearthed

My winter break is inching nearer towards its end. I had spent much of this holiday just relaxing my mind and spending time with family and friends. Well, after such a frazzling 4 months, I do think this break is well-deserved. Who said 6th year is cruisy? Mine so far definitely wasn't.

Anyhow, certain events in the past few days have gotten me thinking.

For one, the power of social media cannot be underestimated nowadays. What we have in front of us are evidence and statements from both parties. We are not fools - we can make our own judgements.

I think I will stop here now for fear of repercussions. But tell me, is this the sign of a real democracy if a citizen feels scared to give his/her own opinions? What ever happened to freedom of speech?

Last but not least, recent events have stirred up a sense of patriotism in me that I thought was long dead, buried by disappointment and incredulousness at blatant lies and a lack of common sense.

I can still hope, for a better Malaysia.

WTF

Tell me if the absurdity of all of this doesn't get your blood boiling.

Normally I don't swear, but this deserves a WTF response. Add it with this: o.O