Despite my previous post, you know what?
I still miss feeling like I belong.
I suddenly had a realisation today while I was sitting in the bus home.
The missing no longer causes me grief. It is still there, no doubt. But slowly, gradually, it has gone down to a quiet murmur, and arises gently only when one has an idle moment and the mind is triggered by visual/auditory stimuli. (which I must admit, is not common as I'm so tired out these few days with work!)
I still remember the days when I've just arrived in this strange foreign land. And I could almost say I was in denial. When a lot of things didn't turn out as I had imagined. When obstacle after obstacle came.
There was anger, frustration. The intense longing for familiarity. My loss of sense of belonging. The tears that came in the quiet of the night and there was nobody to comfort me at all. The only one I had was myself.
Now, it would seemed that I've come to a quiet inner acceptance of my state.
I still remember fondly the memories of the days long gone by. But now, reminizing about them just makes them seemed like grey blurry pictures that happened in another lifetime. It was almost difficult to make myself believe that I had led an altogether different life, once. My common sense tells me I did of course, but the starking difference just makes it seems so impossible.
Looking back at those memories, I can't help but ask myself: "Was that me? The girl with the sparkling eyes that loves a joke and laughed so much?"
And who have I become now? Have I changed? I wonder.
But whether for good or for bad, I have adapted, changed to survive. I tell myself that I hvta continue to be strong, cause life is only going to get harder from here on.
But hey, who knows how will things go from here. Life is always a journey full of surprises. :)
Things have been going in full swing here and I know I have said this before but I'm soooo busyyy!!!
Anyway, so the gen med part of things have kinda settled to a busy routine which is good coz I prefer routines. I still need to practice my physical examinations but what I sorely lack is clinical correlation! What do you do if the findings you find does not match up with your provisional diagnosis? Or what if you dunno whether what you are finding is a sign or not. Or just some problem with your technique? =/
(sometimes I wonder if there is something wrong with my stethoscope/ears or is that just reduced breath sounds/heart sounds??)
Oh well. I guess all that comes with experience.
Haha actually I don't really know what to blog about coz I'm boring like that.. :P but anyway due to energy/time constraints, I've haven't been able to bring dear dear about much. >.<
Hopefully will be able to breathe a sigh of relief once my research and clinical exam are over. yeah guess what, both of them are on my lucky day (my birthday! aihs) -_- Well hope that I'll be lucky in whatever I do that day then.. :)
I'm gonna end this post now coz I dunno what to update for now. Probably shld be studying or writing case reports or whatever. Ta for now!
PS: Recieved a very nice phone call from two old friends last nite :) haha I shall call you guys back again sometime soon. do take care!