Tuesday, September 08, 2009

Acceptance

I suddenly had a realisation today while I was sitting in the bus home.

The missing no longer causes me grief. It is still there, no doubt. But slowly, gradually, it has gone down to a quiet murmur, and arises gently only when one has an idle moment and the mind is triggered by visual/auditory stimuli. (which I must admit, is not common as I'm so tired out these few days with work!)

I still remember the days when I've just arrived in this strange foreign land. And I could almost say I was in denial. When a lot of things didn't turn out as I had imagined. When obstacle after obstacle came.

There was anger, frustration. The intense longing for familiarity. My loss of sense of belonging. The tears that came in the quiet of the night and there was nobody to comfort me at all. The only one I had was myself.

Now, it would seemed that I've come to a quiet inner acceptance of my state.

I still remember fondly the memories of the days long gone by. But now, reminizing about them just makes them seemed like grey blurry pictures that happened in another lifetime. It was almost difficult to make myself believe that I had led an altogether different life, once. My common sense tells me I did of course, but the starking difference just makes it seems so impossible.

Looking back at those memories, I can't help but ask myself: "Was that me? The girl with the sparkling eyes that loves a joke and laughed so much?"

And who have I become now? Have I changed? I wonder.

But whether for good or for bad, I have adapted, changed to survive. I tell myself that I hvta continue to be strong, cause life is only going to get harder from here on.

But hey, who knows how will things go from here. Life is always a journey full of surprises. :)

5 comments:

Tan Yee Ping said...

=) thanks for sharing... sometimes i feel so too when all of my coursemates are busy n stuff... everyone is stressed up, everyone got things to do, everyone is so busy, nobody is there to listen to u... especially when staying with a bunch of coursemates who r going through the same thing as u..

these are how I feel sometimes...

maybe to become a doctor, these are what we have to go through... all these things are meant to train us up...

=)

Titus said...

I see you two know each other ;)

I know exactly what you mean. And I always asked myself what would I have missed learning if I had not gone through any hardship.

Don't take it all so heavily.
Look back and smile :)

Zzzyun said...

yee ping> somebody said: "medicine is a lonely profession" it is, maybe. but i think it's worse here, when im so far away from all my frenz, and all i've is myself. i think frenz was what got me thru the preclinical years. sigh.

titus> oh YP commented the other day, then only we got to know each other. haha.

haha i guess what doesnt kill us DOES makes us stronger. :)

vi said...

My dear, thanks for sharing. Once again, I truly understand how you feel. You speak my mind out, once again. I totally agree with you saying that friends were there who got us through the preclinical years! And more importantly, we have got our soul mate right beside us almost all the time! Everything seemed a lot easier when we had loads of support.

All I can say for now is- You are not alone. A lot of us out there actually feel the same! Just hang in there for a lil' while.. You will get to go home soon, to recharge your soul :)

Take good care! Jiayou!

A BIG BIG HUG FOR YOU!! HUGGGG!

Zzzyun said...

Dear Vivian, thank you so much for ur comment. it certainly did warmed my heart :) it helps to know there are ppl who feel the same way i do..

you take good care as well! and *HUGS BACK* ^^