I was looking through my phone the other night and chanced upon this note that I had left sitting in the notes section. Written almost a year ago, perhaps on a reflective night.
"I hope the sacrifices I made to become a doctor is worth it in the end. The people I left behind, the memories that will never be made now. For a better life? What's a better life anyway?"
They say you can't miss things you never had. But I know I'm going to miss those memories that will never be made now.
Another note more than a year ago sounded like this:
"Love makes one silly, love also makes one greedy; why is missing such a painful thing? Who understands my sorrows, lest they have gone through it before? To go back to what once was, I fear it will never be the same again. Were those the best years of my life? I wonder if you will miss those days that had gone by too."
It was just only last year, and I still remember the pain. Don't get me wrong, it's not all gone.
But now, it's more of a wistful remembrance that brings a smile to my lips. I'm done with thoughts of denial, I have come to an acceptance inside me. That this is what that's happening, and all I can do is accept and make the best of things.
There are so many things to hope for in the future, so if I want them to work out, what I should do now is work hard towards those goals and stop wallowing in self-pity.
Besides, I always remind myself: "Hey, it could always have been worse, right?"
You know what? Contentment comes with simple acceptance.
Doing General Practice makes me feel bad for forgetting so many things that I have learnt in the past. :(
Patients coming in with complaints regarding msk problems, skin problems (granted, I have not done dermatology yet), hypertension, mental illness etc problems that I should know a little more about. *sigh*
What happened to the things I learnt? This stupid brain is like a sieve.
I feel like a fraud. :(
PS: I feel I'm unable to get into my aussie med student mode after the mid year holidays. I have gotten too comfortable in my old skin. le sigh.
You know it's true blue winter when you type this with ice cold hands. And no, it's nowhere near midnight yet. Weather forecast says the lowest temperature tomorrow will be 1 degree Celcius. Get this:ONE!!! SATU!!! It's going to be warmer in the fridge then. -_-""
Anyway, just finishing the 1st week of GP + Opthalmo, though haven't done anything of the latter yet. Tomorrow will have another GP session then I'm done for the week! The GP surgery I'm allocated is pretty good. (I dunno why they are called surgeries here, seeing that surgeries only happen in hospital, but that's just me.) They have a team of doctors who have schedules of their own working in the same medical centre, and my partner and I are attached to different ones each session.
And the GPs here are so different from the ones in Malaysia. In Malaysia, you don't need a referral to see a specialist while in Aussie, you do. Therefore, the GPs in Aussie see a wider range of cases.
And mental illness here seems more prevalent. So is it that doctors here are better at diagnosing it (or over-diagnosing it?) or Asians just take it better at emotions? To be honest, our general attitude would be to: suck it up! Therefore, more ppl are able to pull themselves out of depression and resume normal lives? Seriously, I have been thinking about this for sometime, but I don't have the answer. Anyone do?
I find it quite interesting... but I dunno if I have the patience/discipline to listen to all their lengthy woeful stories and reassure and encourage them appropriately. I think I still have sympathy, but it takes more than that to be constantly kind, firm, understanding yet empathetic to these patients. But poor things, it must be really hard to live with a mental illness.
This reminds me why I don't want to do psychiatry. Listening to patients tell you their heart-breaking story once in a while is okay, but everyday is a little too much for me. Don't think I can handle that. Maybe it's not because I'm not empathetic enough, but rather the opposite - too empathetic? Hmm, food for thought.
But anyway, I'm feeling a bit sleepy. Lucky I get to sleep in tomorrow, can hibernate under the blanket to fight the impending 1 degree. ;)
PS: A random thought last night: In places where it snows (meaning temperature is below 0 degrees), how come the water from the tap/toiletbowl doesn't freeze?
Cliche as it sounds - gosh, how time flies! I felt that the 1st part of this year just flew by and unknowingly, I'm already halfway into 5th year!
And that means: HOLIDAYS! I'm officially on my mid year break of 2 weeks. Just finished paediatrics today and passed up my many reportsss. I'm highly anticipating my Brisbane trip this sunday! We will be going to Gold Coast as well! :D
Nope, I haven't pack my bags yet. Yannie calls that "cool till the end" lol. I promise I'll pack them after this.
Anyhow, I can't believe I've done 2 of the hardest postings this year. Not that GP/Opthalmo and Gen med is easy, but you know what I mean. Both O&G and Paeds is no stroll in the park.
Oops, wrote that halfway last night, then a friend came over to hang out, so I left that post hanging halfway.
At this point, I have packed most of my stuff. Will add if I think of anything new. I am only bringing 1 carry-on luggage bag though so I only have 7kg. Hope it doesn't go overweight!
I feel so excited! At the prospect of taking a proper holiday. Well, not proper per se, coz I am bringing some notes as well :( but we'll see if I even open them. :P
I can't wait for tomorrow to come!
I think I shall stop crapping here and do some work. So I can rightfully say I earned my holidays. hehe.
Will try to update soon on what's happening in Brissie. :)