A Better Forward

Today, my previous uni had a Christmas party and I was kindly invited as well.

It's nice to be in an atmosphere where most people knew each other and the general feeling is of joyful familiarity.

Looking back, this year, I realised that I have stopped the blaming game and the regretting. It's much better to look ahead and put my best foot forward. And because of that, I have come to appreciate what I do have, and to live and enjoy the present the best I can.

The other thing I also realised is that people can change for the better, despite how impossible it may seem previously. Perhaps that quote by Anne Frank can be held true; "I keep my ideals, because in spite of everything I still believe that people are really good at heart."

I think that, instead of preconceived notions, if you look hard and long enough, people will eventually show you their good side. Perhaps.

Wishing all my readers a very merry Christmas and a happy blissful 2011! :)

Interval

I know, I know, I haven't been the best role model blogger. But hey, I'm having a good time just chilling and doing the things I wanna do.

Anyway, I just finished my 2 weeks of paeds elective, which was really good. The dr asked a lot of questions and taught quite a lot too, so I really did get a lot out of these 2 weeks. :) And now, I know a little better about dengue and H1N1, cause the ward was full of them the past few days. 

I am currently writing this from a little town called Batu Pahat in Johor. Will be visiting old friends for about 2 weeks or so before going over to Singapore to start my one month long posting! And it's so good to see dear dear again after sucha long time. :D

Alright, that's all for now. I expect updates to be sparingly for now, for I realised that I write more when I'm emo. lol. And let's hope that's not the case for now.

But sometimes when the mood kicks in, write I will. Right, toodles!

Paeds Elective

Just got back from a 4D 3N family trip at Cameron Highlands. It was kinda boring actually coz I'd been there last year as well with my family.

But oh well, just enjoy the cool breeze there then and spend time with family. 

Anyway, I will be starting my elective in paediatrics tomorrow. boo... I want more holidays. haha. But okay lar, hope I get to see cute babies! :D

Passed!

Apologies for the long absence, I have been too busy enjoying my freedom. But I bring good tidings with this post!

Results just came out today and I PASSED MY 5TH YEAR!! :D

I feel so so relieved now. This year has been such a difficult year, and I'm glad I can look forward and move nearer to my goal now.

I hope all of my friends passed as well so we can go to 6th year together!!

Never

I should have known it was too good to last. I was foolish to think otherwise. But I guess there won't be so many long holidays after this one. 

I find it silly of me to keep thinking that the next time will be the charm, cause for some things, they will never be. Naive heart. Anyhow, it looks like some humouring is in order. I need to tell myself that I'm bigger than this.

Oh right. Results will be out in a few days' time. The truth will be out soon. Hope that goes well, at least.

Home ♥

I'm home!!

It's so nice to be home. Everything is so familiar. I had to spend 5 hours waiting in a very hot and humid airport though, before catching my flight from KL to Penang.

Anyway, when we first arrived in the airport, it took us sometime to get used to the situation back home. It was what I would describe as a reverse culture shock. Ironically, I knew I was home when there were rude waiters, spicy food, endless perspiring and dirty public toilets. Needless to say, some of them are not things to be proud of though. sigh.

But all things aside, I'm just super relieved that the freaking scary exams are over. This year has been such a long and difficult year. Hopefully, with some luck, I will be able to pass. Cause, seriously, I can't imagine having to do all of this all over again.

But now, I have at least 2 weeks to have a much needed relaxation with my family! :)

Over

IT'S FINALLY OVERRRR!!

Now, would you excuse me, I have a plane to catch in 5 hours' time. Need to get some shut-eye.

Will update once I'm back home! :D

珍惜

Enjoy this short clip based in Malaysia. Brings me lots of memories of the good ol' days.

爱，就不要放手。远距离爱一点都不容易，但我要相信我们是可以的。

Next Up

The coming of tomorrow heralds the coming of the second paper. (woohoo I just made a simple sentence sound cool, okay sorry all the study is going to my brain -__-")

Not so confident about tomorrow's paper though, coz the area that can be asked is just so broad... And my preparation for it is less than for the previous paper. Sigh. Oh, and I'm not a big fan of opthalmology or oncology, it just makes things harder to go into the brain. Must be natural resistance. 

Okay, I dunno what I am crapping about.

Let's just hope they ask common stuff (that I know the answers too - that would be even awesome! haha)

Right, this mad lady better stop typing now. Wish her luck though! (now why am I typing in the 3rd person??)

Burnout

One down, two more to go. I feel scared... but seriously, it looks like everybody also don't have the mood to continue slogging.

I think it must be burnout.

Motivation, come to me please!

Okay, one more week and I'll be home! Must pass!!

Remember When

One of the most touching and beautiful songs I have ever heard.

I hope our love story will be like this too. :)

War

Tomorrow, it all begins. The exams that we have been preparing for what seems like forever. (obviously over-exaggerating lah haha)

First paper is tomorrow, which is O&G + Paeds written paper. These two subjects take a bloody long time to study, you know!

Second paper is next tuesday, which includes General Practice, Opthalmology, General Medicine and Oncology. Oh no, haven't studied much for this!! AHH!!

Last and scariest is OSCE next friday. 16 stations, 7 minutes each, running one after the other. Definitely going to need the adrenaline to kick in for this one!!

Wish me good luck and that I have the confidence and calmness of mind to deal with all this!

Previously, it had all have been battles but this is WAR!

PS: Wah, banyak-nya exclamation marks in this post! :P

2

I am having a headache now post-nap due to being unable to get to sleep the night before. Damn these sleep disturbances when I need my sleep already! Wish I have some sleeping pills.. >.<

By the way, did I mention I hate studying opthalmology?? Arggh.

Two more days left. AHHH!!

4

FOUR more days till the most major exams ever! Get ready to FREAK OUT!

We were discussing about the exam yesterday night (sorry, nothing else on our brains lately). 

Don't you think that it is ironic that this is the exam that we have prepared the most for in our entire lives, and it is also the most worried we have been. :O

We must have confidence in ourselves that we can do it! Okay?

Familiarity

Was randomly watching some videos celebrating festivities in Malaysia.

Very touching indeed.

It's simple things like this that make me think of home. Home will always be familiarity. How people look and talk. I still turn back to look when I overhear someone speaking in a familiar language/accent.

Sometimes I can't help but feel sad that we have to go overseas to look for a "better life". I know you can say we don't exactly have to. But given the circumstances back home, it's definitely a better option for now.

But how I wish that I need not choose between better opportunities and familiarity. I can always try to fit in here... but somehow I feel there will always be at least a slight gap.

I wonder if there is any use in hoping that one day, one day the situation at home may change.

Insomnia

Been having terminal insomnia last week (means I keep waking up much earlier than expected). And now I'm having trouble initiating sleep even when I'm super tired. :(

Sigh. Anxiety mucho. I think I need some of those relaxing strategies we always talk about in GP practice.

I want a good sleep!!

Btw, exams in less than 2 weeks. Die.

I want to pass. I NEED to pass!!

Modern Love

It's ironic how 'love' is taken so lightly these days.

In this modern day, couples can break up and get together with other people in the blink of an eye. 

That's why when I see old couples in hospital who have been together for decades, I think they are very cute and loving. Or when I see an old lady/man who cries and doesn't want to live anymore because his/her spouse has passed away recently, I feel for him/her.

Perhaps, in this age where everything is fast-paced and on demand, we keep on searching for something better instead of cherishing the precious things that we already have.

Look Who's Reading

I just found out today that my dad reads my blog. *horrifying gasp* OH HI, DAD!! lol.

Okay, I hope I didn't write anything too weird here. I do screen whatever I write here since it's public cyberspace anyway. Who knows who is reading?

I would love if readers could comment once in a while to make their presence known though. Don't tell me I have to be like those camwhore female bloggers that post a hundred pictures of themselves in essentially the same pose to get creepy comments? Whatever happened to real content? Albeit, this blog basically consist of nothing much but the ramblings of a mad med student. :P

Anyway, I should stop rambling for now, I need to get into the studying mood!! Come to me please? sigh.

Clean

Phiew. Finally finished cleaning my part of the cleaning duties allocated for the impending house inspection. 

One of the best feelings in the world (for me at least) is having a good nice bath after doing some much needed cleaning. It feels good to feel clean. Yes, I think I have a little of an OCD trait. But hey, they say you need that to do medicine. lol.

Anyway, I think my right arm has hypertrophied as a result of overuse. Okay, over-exaggeration as usual, but my right brachioradialis muscle is sore and tender. :(

I also realised something. I can't focus on my studies if I have something on my to-do-list that I have yet to do that day. Maybe it's an excuse, but it's definitely a bad habit!!

Right, this entry is more like a ramble.
Here's a statement to scare myself again: Exactly THREE WEEKS to exams!!! AHHHHH!

Now, that's more like it.

Focus

Less than a month till exams come a knocking. And I still can't focus.

UH-OH.

Happy 24th ♥

It's almost going to be one month since you left. How time flies! And so much has happened in this short span of time... that it almost doesn't feel like a month.

I suddenly remembered that scene when you were leaving. It was a sunny Saturday afternoon. My phone rang. The van had arrived earlier than expected... We walked out hurriedly to the street outside my house.

The driver came down and said hi to both of us. And started to put your luggage into the trunk. When you told him I was your girlfriend, he said smilingly: "Go on, go on, give the girl a hug and a kiss."

You gave me a tight hug. I didn't want to let go...but I had to. You went into the van and sat down on one of the seats. There was a couple inside. And the woman smiled  knowingly at me, with a little pity in her eyes.

I have always been pretty good in not crying but this time, I don't know why - I could feel the tears brimming in my eyes. The driver closed the door of the van. We kept looking at each other. When the van started moving, you didn't look back any more... Although I kept staring at you, willing you to give me one more glance.

The van trudged along its way, leaving me staring at the shrinking vehicle, I could feel the tears dripping down my cheeks uncontrollably.

You were gone. Once again.

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Life has been harder without you around. But hey, no one said a long distance relationship is easy. I gotta have faith that one day, we will be able to have a life together again.

Couples around us are breaking up left and right. But I gotta have faith - that love will see us through all obstacles.

Happy 24th birthday, dear. ♥

A Hearty Start

Just a short note. Finished my gen med last week - which ended on an unexpected note actually. Glad to get it done and put it behind me. 

I need to start anew. I know I'm doing my best so I don't need to apologize for that. But I guess there are some things I can be more pro-active about! Always room for improvement!

Anyway, a new fresh start. Just started Acute Coronary Care for 2 weeks. Today was the first day. Seemed quite interesting really. And the 6th year med student on the team is very nice, very keen in teaching me. :D Time to brush up on some cardiology related stuff.

Heard a cool (and very clear!) murmur today. Pansystolic and early diastolic murmur loudest on tricuspid area, nil radiation. I think it was due to tricuspid regurgitation and aortic regurgitation. Wow, I can identify a diastolic murmur!!

Cardiology seems to have a good mixture of medicine and procedural stuff. But I know it's a very competitive speciality to get into though!

All things aside, need to focus on exams which are coming soon! *yikes* So much to study... and so much to remember. :(

PS: Yes, pun intended for my post's title, if you didn't notice. :p

Still Learning

Tomorrow will be the end of my gen med rotation, and guess what? I don't think I'm going to miss it. Oh no, I enjoy the medicine part of it, the patients were generally nice and interesting.. Just that there were some unsavoury parts that I would rather not mention. (sorry, can't talk about things like this on public cyberspace)

Anyway, all things aside, I had my last assessment today. It went pretty alright, despite the consultant being strict and asking a lot of questions. Call me a sadist but I would much rather have it that way. At least you learn this way. It's much better than having someone say you are "good" (when you know clearly you are not) all the time only to fall on your face when it comes to crunch time during exams. Big no-no.

But he was very nice as well, I learnt a lot from him. You know you can be nice and strict at the same time, no kidding really. It's doctors like him that are willing to spend a little time to teach med students like us that inspire us to become better doctors.

Although I got the diagnosis wrong... at least the other parts were right. Gave appropriate investigations and answered most of the questions appropriately. Need to work on putting all the things together more to come to a good formulation. And I need to listen to more murmurs!!

Which is great that I'm doing Acute Coronary Care as my option for the next 2 weeks. Will hopefully get to brush up on murmurs and my ECG reading skills. ;)

This Is How It Feels

There were a few times when I almost got to this page to blog a new post, then decided I will not do a half-hearted attempt. Okay fine, I'm just a little busy. It's edging nearer to exams. About 5 weeks now. :(

Anyway, my long case presentation last week was fine, the Dr marking us was very nice so we got off alright. Interesting case I got though, diagnosis was pleural effusion, but the interesting part was trying to figure out what was the cause. Was it due to her chronic renal failure or was it new heart failure causing fluid overload? Or did she have a pneumonia? How about malignancy? Hmm...

I have to do another assessment (which should be presentation + examination in front of the consultant) tomorrow. Sigh, tis is the life of a medical student; full of assessments, reports and learning to perform on demand under scrutiny and pressure. I feel like an actor sometimes. Let me tell you, it is not glamorous at all, it is nothing like on House or Scrubs - it is made up of blood, sweat and tears. 

Now that I'm nearing the end of 5th year, I can feel the other different aspects of working life seeping in... I have had my share of difficulties in this rotation. Things like how to work in a team with colleagues who can be very different from you. And that one has to slowly work up the rungs before you can be acknowledged. Other things like your patients might not always like you and guess what? It goes both ways as well. But hey, I always try my best to be nice to my patients. If you don't like me, sorry-lah.

I want to end this post by reminding myself - this is how it feels to be a medical student. I don't have too long more till the end of the road, but yes I want to remember this feeling, so that in the future, when I'm on the higher end, I will do my best to help and teach them. 

Because I remember how it feels like.

Perception

Am feeling surprisingly light-hearted as of now despite:

1. My long case assessment being tomorrow. Will just handle as it comes I guess. Hope I get a simple one please!
2. Having to go in for ward rounds today as we thought the consultant will be doing one later. Guess what, consultant is on leave. And nobody knew? boohoo.
3. Having a very soggy sandwich for lunch due to poor foresight that microwaving my hash brown on top of it will make the sandwich go "splat"!

But there were some good things today too:

1. Met a nice doctor in the common room who started talking to me.Was able to identify my country of origin from my accent lol. He is from Malaysia as well and even knew some of my seniors. Was nice to be able to make a connection without trying too hard, for once. Too bad I was rushing for time!
2. Attended grand rounds today (albeit a little grudgingly) but turned out to be surprisingly useful for once! Now I can put into use my knowledge of interpretation of liver function tests. cool.

So this goes to show - sometimes what you feel is just a matter of perception. :)

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By the way, I realised the perception of "a nice day" is different for Asians and Aussies, as a general rule. I love that today is a relatively cloudy day, with a nice breeze. They think that "a nice day" is a day full of bright sunshine that burns thy skin. Go figure.

I used to don't mind being in the sunshine back home cause for one, it didn't burn my skin. But here, with the high high UV rays, I need to slather on sunscreen and avoid being in the sun too much, or else it will be hello - heat-induced dermatitis! :( Oh and don't forget skin cancers too!

6.5/52

All the dramas aside, which have been resolved now by the way - do you  know it's 6.5 weeks left till my major MAJOR exams?

AHHHHHH!! *freaked out*

Need to stop procastinating and start STUDYING!

PS: Oh wait, I got myself some half priced gourmet ice cream today!! Me happy! Need it for the stress. :P

Unconditional

It has been one week since you left. And it has also been an emotionally and physically draining week.

The theme for this week's mishaps would be: Misunderstandings and Apologies.

I'm so tired of being rash and saying the wrong things to the wrong people and getting myself into trouble. If you don't know, saying you are sorry is not easy... certainly a test of your communication skills! But I must say, 知错能改 (being able to admit I'm wrong and turn over a new leaf) is one of my strengths.

Add all these misunderstandings and trying to make things right to a sick body. You get a person who is emotionally and physically drained.

Let this be a lesson to myself. It's okay to prattle along about yourself, but watch what you say. Now, I don't find it surprising why some people much rather keep their opinions to themselves and be a 好好先生 instead.

And it's so exhausting to keep everyone happy. Walking oh-so-carefully, trying to not tread on anyone's tails. I really hate this.

Whatever happened to really being yourself? I find myself being more and more disillusioned. 

Perhaps you would like to say - welcome to the real world, where things don't go your way - not until you are at the top, anyway.

I thought at the very least I could be myself, truly myself with you... but nowadays I find that I have to be cautious as well.

You know, all everyone wanted is unconditional acceptance. But perhaps there is no such thing in this world afterall.

Rash

I did something really rash today. Should have thought longer before doing things like that. Now I have to swallow my pride and apologize.

This is some self-perpetrated deep shit. AHHHH!!

wtfwtfwtfwtf.

I don't even know if he will accept my apology. shit!!

My friends said I'm not in the wrong... but I feel like punching myself for being so rash and stupid. sigh.

Soon

I'm so excited that I have initial insomnia and early awakening today!! Why?

Because the bf is coming to visit me soon in a few hours' time! After about 9 months of being apart! He will be staying for 1 week only though... But it's better than nothing of coz.

Ahhh... I should probably try to get more sleep. Coz I'm actually still tired.

But yay! so happy!! :D

Trigger

Seeing the video of my friends singing on Facebook reminded me of the good ol' days where things were easy and happy.

Back then, I didn't have to think twice before saying something, I was comfortable just being myself. I had friends who were really friends, not just hi-bye-how-are-you-going-but-actually-i-dont-really-care friends. No. We had a lot of fun, fun that everybody could relate to, fun doing simple things like hanging out, eating good food and singing and chatting. Even going to uni for classes was relatively fun, coz that was the time we hung out. 

It makes me sad though how friends become more and more distant as distance comes between them. I can try to bridge the gap, but there is only so much one side can do.

As time goes on, the memories start to fade - or more like it's buried deep down under so that I can function. But time and time again, something triggers them, and they are brought up like a tsunami with a vengeance - unpredictable and overwhelming. They remind me of what I used to have. What I am missing...

Don't get me wrong, I do have a few good friends over here (thank god for them!) but I do miss the comfyness I used to have chatting with other uni-mates. Now, they are my "colleagues" I suppose, not really close friends per se? Sometimes I find it difficult to establish a bond with some of them, due to cultural differences... which is going to be hard when it comes to working, as everything is all about networking. 

Gotta work on those ice-breakers lines a little more. bleargh. I was never good at small talk. >.< But I think I'm improving at that aspect when talking to patients at least. Now just gotta up the game a little more!

Now, let's talk about the weather, shall we?

Steep

Today is my second week of general medicine. As my previous post eluded to, have been feeling a tad useless (yes even as a medical student lately!).

I realised something, I'm not a very observant person - if left to my own devices, my mind tends to drift off to somewhere. Which is not good if that somewhere is during ward rounds. woops.

Funnily, I need to be kept on my toes. I don't mind being asked questions or asked to examine the patient even though I might not know the answers (well as long as the dr is not too harsh lah okay). That's how I pay attention learn. But so far my team hasn't been really that great in terms of teaching, but fair enough, they are really busy.

Guess I will have to learn on my own. Take history, examine patients myself. Improving on communication skills as well. The accent (or lack thereof) doesn't help though. :/ And I talk too fast. Bad for elderly patients, which make up the majority here. And sometimes I'm not thorough enough coz I don't want to make them huff and puff for me. However, sometimes one needs to be unkind to be kind. yeah.

But you know what. I'm learning. Always a steep learning curve. And it seems to get steeper as it goes. *grits teeth*

One Day

I was feeling kinda upset on friday night as a lot of things didn't go so well during my gen med on-take that day.

But I gotta realise, this is just part and parcel of our lives - just gotta hang on, deal with it and emerge stronger.

It might seemed like a long journey indeed, but one day, I will get there. If I continue to try. Keep that fire burning!

The Bigger Picture

I need to learn how to control this unruly stress of unknown origin. Why do I feel stressed when things are not going the way I want? Small things, but they irk me so. I need to change. Being a control freak (even though it's my own life) ain't getting me nowhere. And binge eating to deal with stress is NOT good. arggh.

I need to look at the bigger picture. There are so many more important things for me to worry about do. As my mum once told me when I was very young: "If other people can do it, why not you?"

Breathe.

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Update: How many medical students does it take to change a lightbulb? Trick question. :P

The correct answer is two, to be precise. If there is anything I have to give thanks for during my time in Perth, it is my friend, Debbi. She has been there for me whenever I needed her. :)

But hey, I can't believe I feel so annoyed with myself for such a silly thing as being unable to change a lightbulb. Yes because I'm vertically challenged and we don't own a ladder. Am I being too hard on myself? But shouldn't a young adult be able to do something so simple on his/her own? I'm not keen to play the maiden in distress role, thank you very much.

In a way, I'm happy that my annoyance led to me being determined to try, so I managed to screw the new bulb and cover back on by standing on an albeit wobbly table. All by myself.

As Hiro from Heroes would say: "Yatta!" :D

Here is it, in my face - proof that I can do things if I want to - if I try hard enough.

Perhaps there is some truth in my mum's words afterall. :)

Precious Life

My condolences to the people who are suffering as a result of the Manila hostage incident that happened yesterday.

Be it the families of the victims or the other innocent philiphine people working in other countries. All this happens because of an inept corrupt government with a lousy police force.

My home country, take heed. This might be where things are heading if the top guns don't buck up.

I am studying to be a doctor because I want to save lives, I want people to have better quality of lives. I want them to stay healthy and happy. But here is an instance where precious lives are just wasted for nothing.

I would like to serve the people in my home country but the situation there is just too hopeless and I don't see any chance it will be changing a lot soon. Sometimes, we have to be a little bit selfish too - because they are not looking out for our welfare at all. Because to them, we are just 'pendatang'. So tell me why should I stay and be discriminated against?

I was listening to this song in Glee, I wish the lyrics were true. Can I be an idealist?

Imagine

Imagine There's No Countries

It Isn't Hard To Do

Nothing To Kill Or Die For

And No Religion Too

Imagine All The People

Living Life In Peace (Youuuu)

You May Say I'm A Dreamer

But I'm Not The Only One

I Hope Someday You Will Join Us

And The World We'll Be As One

Imagine No Possessions

I Wonder If You Can

No Need For Greed Or Hunger

A Brotherhood Of Man

Imagine All The People

Sharing All The World (Youuuu)

You May Say I'm A Dreamer

But I'm Not The Only One

I Hope Someday You Will Join Us

And The World Will Live As One

What That Is

It gives me a funny strangled feeling in my chest looking at photos of old friends doing new things with new people. And you realised that you could have been in those photos as well.

If you were there.

But life goes on. Despite of what could have been, it's now what that is.

#1 Wishlist ♥

Having more free time alone in the past 1.5 years have made me more aware of fashion styles via fashion blogs.

Here are some of things I have been lusting after. Either difficult to find and/or too expensive. sigh, next year hopefully can find some part time work :p

This is called a boyfriend blazer. Very versatile piece of clothing, worth to buy actually.

But difficult to find one that really fits and is not too expensive. I guess well-cut clothes are expensive.

And I need a new handbag for work too. My current one is going to fall to pieces soon. And I just got it this year too! Lousy quality.

Currently love those vintage/leather looking bags.

This is the Balenciaga work bag actually.

I'm not really a person into branded stuff, as long as it looks good, that's fine by me.

Vintage looking saddle bag!

But maybe a bit too small to stuff all my work stuff in. But for going out would be great!

Should probably look into some of the malaysian blogs, they normally have pretty reasonably priced stuff.

Suspender tights! Cool right?

This is by House of Holland (which is said to be too flimsy), and imitates the original one by Topshop below.

Heart shaped ones!! How to not <3 them right?

Omg. Wish that I'll be working soon...so I won't feel guilty buying things I want! ^v^ And have the financial power to do so too! :p

One more year plus, hopefully! I can do it!!

Options #1: CF

It's Wednesday already. Boy, the days do seem to fly nowadays.

Currently am on my 1st Options: Cystic Fibrosis, which is 2 weeks long, but it's really more like paediatric respiratory team.

It's not a bad option (I do miss the kids!) but it's really sad to see all these kids with chronic disabling diseases plaguing them since young. A lot of them have neurological deficits like cerebral palsy. Many are quadriplegic and spent most of their time on the bed, in the wheelchair or in hospital. :((( I really salute the parents (esp mums!) who take care of them night and day. If that's not dedication, I dunno what is.

I am making myself useful by writing in notes etc, and most of the team are nice. It's been a pretty busy week too, with lots of patients coming in at the end of winter with resp infections. Having lunch so late everyday. ah my poor tummy.

What I want to do now is use this so-called 'free time' to catch up with my studies though. But the days' work have been tiring me out. Late afternoon naps are awesome and refreshing indeed.

Okay. O&G and paediatric stuff to catch up on. Yeah, I'm so 'awesome' that I have yet to catch up with stuff in the early half of the year. bleargh.

To Not Care

Funny how sometimes eluding to something instead of directly pointing it out makes for better advice.

I should count my blessings instead. Glass half full instead of half empty, remember?

Besides, all of this might be the product of an overactive imagination anyway. Even if not so, some things in life can't be forced. That way, only one can tell what is true sincerity.

In life, there will always be people who love you for what you are and people who dislike you. So what? Those who matter will listen and accept and those who don't, don't really matter.

The theory is so simple yet so complex when it comes down to really following it.

But really, what I need to learn is to not care about the people who don't matter.

And yes - deja vu indeed - I think I've blogged about this before, so it just shows how much I suck at following my own advice. yeah?

Need

Zzzyun, sometimes you are still too honest.

When will you ever learn to hide your own emotions/feelings from others? Come to think of it, do we even need to in the first place?

I dislike people who make assumptions about you based on their own. I'm not you and you are not me, so don't assume.

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Sometimes, I wonder am I being too greedy. Isn't it enough that I have a loving boyfriend who supports and listens to all my troubles?

Why do I have this (almost pathological) need to have a friend who will still be best friends with me even though we are not physically near to each other anymore? Is that so wrong for me to wish for that? All I can say it wasn't from lack of trying.

And you, who said you always miss and remember me. You were the one who put me in this situation today. So stop all the sweet lies coz I don't want to hear anymore.

I'm being all emotional. Must be the hormones. Must be the hormones. Repeat to self x100. Blame it all on the hormones, yeah okay?

In Between

Finished my opthalmology exam today! It's good expecting the worst (ie. can't answer every Q!) so I felt quite okay even though couldn't answer a few questions/got them wrong. Oh well, can't really be fussed about it coz I don't really fancy opthalmology in the first place.

I wonder if this is what happens when you have been through countless exams? But I still have tachycardia (increased heart rate for the non-meddies) prior to the exam haha.

Tomorrow I will be having my general practice exam which consist of a 15 minute consultation that is videotaped. Hmm... hope I dont get too nervous and will be able to perform at my best.

Practice really does help. Okay, time to study for my exam!! Wish me luck~ :)

PS: I have recovered from my relatively mild viral illness! :D The flu vaccine must have helped!

Bad Timing

Recently, I will start my posts by apologizing about the lack of updates. However, this time I have an excuse.

I'm sick!! :(( Should be a viral illness.

And exams are coming soon in the next few days. GP+Opthalmology. Bad timing. But gotta say, the paracetamol is good stuff. Makes me feel so much better.

Being sick makes me wish there was someone here to take care of me. Suddenly made me remembered the time when dear took good care of me when I had severe food poisoning. (yesh from hospital food!! yucks) I don't think I look very pretty then haha... Recurrent vomiting tend to make you look gross lol. Oh and he was still just a friend then. so caring right? ;)

Okay, I'm signing off for some studying and recuperation. Will update more when I'm feeling better!

Along The Way

Oh noes, it's the beginning of another week. I'm too lazy busy to blog so regularly.

Well, today I had another go with the patient consultation coz there were so many ppl who didnt attend today. This week's theme was Difficult Patients.

I had to do motivational interviewing with a diabetic lady and encourage weight loss. So not easy at all. :( I did the best I could, but all the way through the consultation, I could feel her resistance and I was racking my brains to find the words to break through the resistance and motivate her.

And we had already a day of teaching and practice last thursday for motivational interviewing specifically. But once I am the one who has to do the consult in front of everyone, I panic... and my mind becomes slow and fuzzy.

Anyhow, I think I still did okay (as in I didn't look particularly stupid in front of my colleagues), even though I did not really manage to get her to the contemplative phase. But I did my best. The doctor observing thought it was alright too. phiew.

Well, gonna continue improving. I shall get there someday. Believing in myself really did help.

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We had a free yoga class today! :D So nice of the uni ppl to organize one for us. It was a relaxation and restorative sort of yoga. Just great for us who are stressed out!

I might try it out sometime when there's a night I can't fall asleep easily or if I'm super stressed with studies (which I dare say I will). I found the meditation part quite useful - it relaxes my mind, freeing it temporarily from all its worries.

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Can't believe it's august already. And the 2nd last week of my GP/Opthal term. That means exams are next week!! Omgosh, I better get down to studying now!!

I Can

Even though I can't be as good as them in communication skills (at least not yet), I should be competing only with myself to keep on improving.

It's important to believe that I can do it. That's half the battle won.

I must remember how I tried to muster any semblance of self-confidence in last year's exam. Cause I'm definitely going to need it this time around.

Believe in myself. yes.

Oxymoron: The Naive Cynic

It's ironically funny how I used to be such a cynic, and now I find myself appalled at the naivety within myself.

Really, at this stage of my life, I shouldn't be so surprised anymore at things like this. I thought I knew how things work, at least the big picture concept of it. But sometimes, hope gives rise to unnecessary idealistic thoughts.

I can see why people keep their heart guarded by imaginary walls. Just because it is such a dark scary world out there, and the best thing you can do is to protect your heart from getting hurt.

I know, I said before, I would like to be honest with people, with a true self as I can muster. That I do believe in, cause if you never let anybody into your heart at all, what's the meaning of living then?

But sometimes, you have to take a step back and think - is this person worth it? - before opening your heart to people.

Cause there are just too many people out there who are not worth it at all.

In The Air

I feel the days are passing too fast for my liking. Swoosh, and it's tuesday night already.

And the cycle continues every week. With endless list of things to attend, prepare and study for. :< I was feeling kinda stressed last night because was having some unforeseen trouble with my assignments. I even went for a jog even though I already did 2 in the past 4 days because I thought some exercise would do me good in terms of destressing. It did helped a bit, I guess post-exercise endorphins would be a good addiction!

I can't believe the anxiety was still lurking beneath the surface though, affecting my sleep. Made me woke up several times last night, wondering whether did I miss my alarm and was late. Needless to say, I was far from so.

It's no fun being a medical student. It's hard to have a life and yet be a marvellous gung-ho student. Unfortunately, I'm neither. shucks.

Stress - I can smell it in the air. And it's only going to get worse in the next few months. oh boy.

The P Word

Procastination should be one of the seven sins. Well, I guess it's quite similar to its brother, Sloth. heh.

I need to stop thinking unnecessary thoughts (cue to refer to my blog's motto just above) and start seriously studying!! le sigh.

And yes, the weekend is almost over. Too fast!

Despite Everything

Oops, been neglecting my blog again. Things are getting busy, so whenever I wanna blog, I tell myself, "oh I better do that thing first, it's due tomorrow."

Now I have 3 weeks' worth of laundry waiting to be ironed (I probably should get down to it soon, or will run out of clothes to wear soon - I know, I don't have that many clothes. Or work-suitable clothes anyway. Sponsor me? :P)

Anyway, as I said, things on the to-do-list are piling higher and higher up. And I see no hope of it dimishing soon. Or even plateau-ing. :(

This rotation is not slack at all. Who said so it was?? *stressed*

And the worst thing is I dunno what happened to my 'confidence'. I can't fake it that well anymore. I am so going to need it for the end of year exams this year. We need to be calm and confident when counselling patients.

Arggh. I hate the instances when I do kinda know my stuff but all my thoughts come out all tangled up and stuttering. HATE IT. Stupid.

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Okay rants aside. I must tell you this interesting event that happened to me a few days back.

I have been trying to contact a patient for a home visit for a case report. Kept calling about 3 times/day for the past 4 days or so.

Everytime when someone answered, I said: "Hi, can I speak to Mr. X please?" And everytime, the phone is left on hold for ages and nobody comes to the phone even though I kept waiting.

The last straw was when he said: "No" harshly before I could say anything and left the phone on (meaning I could hear the background noise of the tv for eg). When I called back again, the phone was engaged. I was quite frustrated by then and just left him a message detailing what I was calling for.

He called me back not long after, apologizing. Apparently, he has been hanging up on my calls because he thought I was one of the telemarketers.

"Because of your accent."

Why thank you. Isn't that nice? NOT.

Well, he did apologized many times so I know he didn't mean it. But I do dislike being discriminated against because of my accent, my looks etc. I will have you know that there are many aussie telemarketers too! And no, I do not even have a typical asian accent. I speak clearly, okay?? I don't mumble, I don't slur my speech, I don't simply give abbreviations to words and expect ppl to naturally understand them. AHHH!!

Anyhow, I did the home visit today. It was alright, I practiced doing a little patient education, which was good, despite the fact that at one part the cigarette smoke was blowing my way. Oh and I think I can't use him as my case report patient afterall. Coz he doesn't really have a new presenting complaint at this point in time. Really EPIC FAIL of me. after all that.

But I was still glad I did the visit though. He seemed a little lonely and appeared happy with my (albeit temporary) presence.

If I could have make someone's day a little happier, I guess it was worth it. Certainly an experience. :)

Now to figure out how to bluff my way when I am on the telephone so people don't hang up on me ;P

Costly

Overall, I had a pretty good day today... but it ended badly.

Because of my own carelessness.

So here's the story. I was coming back from the train station, and was taking out my purse (my card is in it) to tag off as usual. Then I remembered that the train station that I departed on was out of electricity, so I didn't need to tag off as I couldn't tag on at the previous station.

That different motion from my usual daily deed must have put me off. Coz when I went to woolies to buy something, I realised my purse was not with me when I wanted to pay for something. Panic ensured.

I rushed out to the train station... Found nothing on the ground. Went to ask the officers if they had seen anything. A rush of hope gushed through me when they said they had.

And yes! I got back my purse. But the bad thing is I lost all the money in it. Probably around 60-70 bucks. He/she even took all my coins!! O.o Sigh, just my luck to have withdrew money a few days earlier. :(

All this happened in the span of 15-20 mins.

The irony is that the person who returned it probably is the person who took the money. Of coz, I can't say for sure. But to be honest, I had great trust in aussies to return lost items. But I guess, you can't have everything.

Can you believe the officers summore joked and told me that there was a fee of 50 dollars to collect lost items?! I told him I don't have any money. -_-"

I know, on the bright side, at least all my important cards are still in the purse. Credit card, debit card, student card and the list goes on. So at least less trouble for me.

Although it was a costly lesson indeed, I had learnt it. To be more careful in the future (I haven't been too bad, to be honest) and to use my debit card more instead of withdrawing most of the cash out.

Okay. Rant finito.

Honesty

People who know me personally may wonder about the things I write in my blog.

But I have decided to be honest about my feelings as best as I can. We spend so much time in our daily lives putting up imaginary walls when dealing with other people. We are afraid to venture out of our comfort zone as we get older.

I would like to be a bit more honest with myself here. In my very own space.

Besides, I believe a lot of the emotions I write about are experienced by many people too. Just that they are reluctant to admit it to themselves. They are afraid to come face to face to what they are feeling.

Now, what I need is to recapture what I had in the earlier part of this year. Maybe it's called distraction.

Meaning

This blog looks cheerful at first glance. I told myself that I will try to be more optimistic in my outlook on life, hence the blog transformation at the beginning of the year.

But old habits die hard. They recur. I blog more when I'm emo. That, I do realise.

I apologize for those expecting merry frivolous posts while visiting this blog. Sometimes, what you see is not what you get.

I went to look at friend's Facebook profile just now. A friend who passed away tragically in a bus accident a few years ago.

Her profile page was filled with numerous people writing on her wall still, proclaming their affection for her in various ways. Missing her. Wishing she was there.

Despite her tragic early death, her presence is still dearly missed by so many people. Her years on earth might be relatively few, but she have touched the hearts of so many. She was someone who shine whenever she was.

This might be a morbid thought, but I wonder, if I was not here anymore, would I be dearly missed by so many people as well?

I want to do something meaningful with my life. I want to form meaningful relationships with other people.

Isn't that why we all are searching for that elusive meaning of life?

4/12

I can't believe I'm saying this... but I need a bit more STRESS to keep the momentum up! Apathy is doing me no good.

And I have so much to catch up from the previous postings...why oh why. Why didn't I finish everything in their respective postings?

I remember being stressed out at the beginning of the year (yes the irony!) but the stress slowly dissipated as time passed (as per usual -_-). But now it's about 4 months till end of the year exams. One of the most MAJOR ones that I will ever sit for.

Get this into your brain, you silly girl. 

FOUR MONTHS left.

Good!! Time to start freaking out!!


PS: For those who are not medically in tuned, this post's title is written in the way in medical notes to mean 4 months. For eg, 6 weeks would be written as 6/52.

PPS: Right, what's with the recent title obsession with numbers. lol.

PPPS: Since we are on the business of post-scripting, have you realised that I'd just updated my profile description. Thought that this one sounds cooler than the previous one :P

3.5

Happy three and a half years anniversary, dear dear! Wish you could be here.

We have been walking this journey together for quite sometime now. I hope we will be able to continue it for a long long time more.

Faith will see us through.

Thank you for being my lover, my best friend, my confidante, my supporter, my cheerleader and many other roles in my life. :)

Most of all, thank you for just being there.

Second Best

We are all looking for something meaningful to fill up the emptiness inside us. The one day there will be no more loneliness.

Till then, we gotta make do with second best to get us by.

Of What Could Have Been And What Will Be

I was looking through my phone the other night and chanced upon this note that I had left sitting in the notes section. Written almost a year ago, perhaps on a reflective night.

"I hope the sacrifices I made to become a doctor is worth it in the end. The people I left behind, the memories that will never be made now. For a better life? What's a better life anyway?"

They say you can't miss things you never had. But I know I'm going to miss those memories that will never be made now.

Another note more than a year ago sounded like this:

"Love makes one silly, love also makes one greedy; why is missing such a painful thing? Who understands my sorrows, lest they have gone through it before? To go back to what once was, I fear it will never be the same again. Were those the best years of my life? I wonder if you will miss those days that had gone by too."

It was just only last year, and I still remember the pain. Don't get me wrong, it's not all gone.

But now, it's more of a wistful remembrance that brings a smile to my lips. I'm done with thoughts of denial, I have come to an acceptance inside me. That this is what that's happening, and all I can do is accept and make the best of things.

There are so many things to hope for in the future, so if I want them to work out, what I should do now is work hard towards those goals and stop wallowing in self-pity.

Besides, I always remind myself: "Hey, it could always have been worse, right?"

You know what? Contentment comes with simple acceptance.

Sieve

Doing General Practice makes me feel bad for forgetting so many things that I have learnt in the past. :(

Patients coming in with complaints regarding msk problems, skin problems (granted, I have not done dermatology yet), hypertension, mental illness etc problems that I should know a little more about. *sigh*

What happened to the things I learnt? This stupid brain is like a sieve.

I feel like a fraud. :(

PS: I feel I'm unable to get into my aussie med student mode after the mid year holidays. I have gotten too comfortable in my old skin. le sigh.

GP/Opthalmo In Winter

You know it's true blue winter when you type this with ice cold hands. And no, it's nowhere near midnight yet. Weather forecast says the lowest temperature tomorrow will be 1 degree Celcius. Get this: ONE!!! SATU!!! It's going to be warmer in the fridge then. -_-""

Anyway, just finishing the 1st week of GP + Opthalmo, though haven't done anything of the latter yet. Tomorrow will have another GP session then I'm done for the week! The GP surgery I'm allocated is pretty good. (I dunno why they are called surgeries here, seeing that surgeries only happen in hospital, but that's just me.) They have a team of doctors who have schedules of their own working in the same medical centre, and my partner and I are attached to different ones each session.

And the GPs here are so different from the ones in Malaysia. In Malaysia, you don't need a referral to see a specialist while in Aussie, you do. Therefore, the GPs in Aussie see a wider range of cases.

And mental illness here seems more prevalent. So is it that doctors here are better at diagnosing it (or over-diagnosing it?) or Asians just take it better at emotions? To be honest, our general attitude would be to: suck it up! Therefore, more ppl  are able to pull themselves out of depression and resume normal lives? Seriously, I have been thinking about this for sometime, but I don't have the answer. Anyone do?

I find it quite interesting... but I dunno if I have the patience/discipline to listen to all their lengthy woeful stories and reassure and encourage them appropriately. I think I still have sympathy, but it takes more than that to be constantly kind, firm, understanding yet empathetic to these patients. But poor things, it must be really hard to live with a mental illness.

This reminds me why I don't want to do psychiatry. Listening to patients tell you their heart-breaking story once in a while is okay, but everyday is a little too much for me. Don't think I can handle that. Maybe it's not because I'm not empathetic enough, but rather the opposite - too empathetic? Hmm, food for thought.

But anyway, I'm feeling a bit sleepy. Lucky I get to sleep in tomorrow, can hibernate under the blanket to fight the impending 1 degree. ;)

PS: A random thought last night: In places where it snows (meaning temperature is below 0 degrees), how come the water from the tap/toiletbowl doesn't freeze?

Recharged or Lazy?

Sorry for not updating for sucha long time. I'm getting so lazy (with my blogging especially)!

I have been back from my Brisbane trip for 4 days now, and oh no, I have not done anything really productive these few days. :(

Well, the mid year break has been awesome, really recharged me. But now I feel too lazy to do anything. See, blog also lazy lah.

Anyway, classes start tomorrow! *runs off bawling* I don't wantttt!!! :(((

It's back to reality, zzzyun.

@ Brisbane #1

Finally! Some photos to brighten up this blog.

I'm not going to give a blow by blow account of what happened. Have just chosen some photos that I like. The rest are on my facebook. Enjoy!

Some of the cooler quotes in their student lounge.

Me outside their medical school. :P

Ancient microscope

Me with a random huge ball of wool at the city

Interesting architecture of bridge

At the main campus - reminds me of an aqueduct in roman times.

Beautiful lake at their campus - so serene

City hall which houses the main museum

So many clock towers!

Saw this exhibition at the musuem which was titled "Prejudice & Pride".

It was about LGBT (Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual Transexual relationships)

Found it really interesting.

Woah! ;)

See. You can't assume anything these days.

Rocky

Here I am, writing this post in Brisbane, Day 2 is currently winding to an end.

I must say, I have had a rocky start due to certain reasons. But hey, adversity builds character.

Shall update more next time. Time for some girl talk. ;)

Mid Year Break!

Cliche as it sounds - gosh, how time flies! I felt that the 1st part of this year just flew by and unknowingly, I'm already halfway into 5th year!

And that means: HOLIDAYS! I'm officially on my mid year break of 2 weeks. Just finished paediatrics today and passed up my many reportsss. I'm highly anticipating my Brisbane trip this sunday! We will be going to Gold Coast as well! :D

Nope, I haven't pack my bags yet. Yannie calls that "cool till the end" lol. I promise I'll pack them after this.

Anyhow, I can't believe I've done 2 of the hardest postings this year. Not that GP/Opthalmo and Gen med is easy, but you know what I mean. Both O&G and Paeds is no stroll in the park.

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Oops, wrote that halfway last night, then a friend came over to hang out, so I left that post hanging halfway.

At this point, I have packed most of my stuff. Will add if I think of anything new. I am only bringing 1 carry-on luggage bag though so I only have 7kg. Hope it doesn't go overweight!

I feel so excited! At the prospect of taking a proper holiday. Well, not proper per se, coz I am bringing some notes as well :( but we'll see if I even open them. :P

I can't wait for tomorrow to come!

I think I shall stop crapping here and do some work. So I can rightfully say I earned my holidays. hehe.

Will try to update soon on what's happening in Brissie. :)