Modern Love

It's ironic how 'love' is taken so lightly these days.

In this modern day, couples can break up and get together with other people in the blink of an eye. 

That's why when I see old couples in hospital who have been together for decades, I think they are very cute and loving. Or when I see an old lady/man who cries and doesn't want to live anymore because his/her spouse has passed away recently, I feel for him/her.

Perhaps, in this age where everything is fast-paced and on demand, we keep on searching for something better instead of cherishing the precious things that we already have.

Look Who's Reading

I just found out today that my dad reads my blog. *horrifying gasp* OH HI, DAD!! lol.

Okay, I hope I didn't write anything too weird here. I do screen whatever I write here since it's public cyberspace anyway. Who knows who is reading?

I would love if readers could comment once in a while to make their presence known though. Don't tell me I have to be like those camwhore female bloggers that post a hundred pictures of themselves in essentially the same pose to get creepy comments? Whatever happened to real content? Albeit, this blog basically consist of nothing much but the ramblings of a mad med student. :P

Anyway, I should stop rambling for now, I need to get into the studying mood!! Come to me please? sigh.

Clean

Phiew. Finally finished cleaning my part of the cleaning duties allocated for the impending house inspection. 

One of the best feelings in the world (for me at least) is having a good nice bath after doing some much needed cleaning. It feels good to feel clean. Yes, I think I have a little of an OCD trait. But hey, they say you need that to do medicine. lol.

Anyway, I think my right arm has hypertrophied as a result of overuse. Okay, over-exaggeration as usual, but my right brachioradialis muscle is sore and tender. :(

I also realised something. I can't focus on my studies if I have something on my to-do-list that I have yet to do that day. Maybe it's an excuse, but it's definitely a bad habit!!

Right, this entry is more like a ramble.
Here's a statement to scare myself again: Exactly THREE WEEKS to exams!!! AHHHHH!

Now, that's more like it.

Focus

Less than a month till exams come a knocking. And I still can't focus.

UH-OH.

Happy 24th ♥

It's almost going to be one month since you left. How time flies! And so much has happened in this short span of time... that it almost doesn't feel like a month.

I suddenly remembered that scene when you were leaving. It was a sunny Saturday afternoon. My phone rang. The van had arrived earlier than expected... We walked out hurriedly to the street outside my house.

The driver came down and said hi to both of us. And started to put your luggage into the trunk. When you told him I was your girlfriend, he said smilingly: "Go on, go on, give the girl a hug and a kiss."

You gave me a tight hug. I didn't want to let go...but I had to. You went into the van and sat down on one of the seats. There was a couple inside. And the woman smiled  knowingly at me, with a little pity in her eyes.

I have always been pretty good in not crying but this time, I don't know why - I could feel the tears brimming in my eyes. The driver closed the door of the van. We kept looking at each other. When the van started moving, you didn't look back any more... Although I kept staring at you, willing you to give me one more glance.

The van trudged along its way, leaving me staring at the shrinking vehicle, I could feel the tears dripping down my cheeks uncontrollably.

You were gone. Once again.

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Life has been harder without you around. But hey, no one said a long distance relationship is easy. I gotta have faith that one day, we will be able to have a life together again.

Couples around us are breaking up left and right. But I gotta have faith - that love will see us through all obstacles.

Happy 24th birthday, dear. ♥

A Hearty Start

Just a short note. Finished my gen med last week - which ended on an unexpected note actually. Glad to get it done and put it behind me. 

I need to start anew. I know I'm doing my best so I don't need to apologize for that. But I guess there are some things I can be more pro-active about! Always room for improvement!

Anyway, a new fresh start. Just started Acute Coronary Care for 2 weeks. Today was the first day. Seemed quite interesting really. And the 6th year med student on the team is very nice, very keen in teaching me. :D Time to brush up on some cardiology related stuff.

Heard a cool (and very clear!) murmur today. Pansystolic and early diastolic murmur loudest on tricuspid area, nil radiation. I think it was due to tricuspid regurgitation and aortic regurgitation. Wow, I can identify a diastolic murmur!!

Cardiology seems to have a good mixture of medicine and procedural stuff. But I know it's a very competitive speciality to get into though!

All things aside, need to focus on exams which are coming soon! *yikes* So much to study... and so much to remember. :(

PS: Yes, pun intended for my post's title, if you didn't notice. :p

Still Learning

Tomorrow will be the end of my gen med rotation, and guess what? I don't think I'm going to miss it. Oh no, I enjoy the medicine part of it, the patients were generally nice and interesting.. Just that there were some unsavoury parts that I would rather not mention. (sorry, can't talk about things like this on public cyberspace)

Anyway, all things aside, I had my last assessment today. It went pretty alright, despite the consultant being strict and asking a lot of questions. Call me a sadist but I would much rather have it that way. At least you learn this way. It's much better than having someone say you are "good" (when you know clearly you are not) all the time only to fall on your face when it comes to crunch time during exams. Big no-no.

But he was very nice as well, I learnt a lot from him. You know you can be nice and strict at the same time, no kidding really. It's doctors like him that are willing to spend a little time to teach med students like us that inspire us to become better doctors.

Although I got the diagnosis wrong... at least the other parts were right. Gave appropriate investigations and answered most of the questions appropriately. Need to work on putting all the things together more to come to a good formulation. And I need to listen to more murmurs!!

Which is great that I'm doing Acute Coronary Care as my option for the next 2 weeks. Will hopefully get to brush up on murmurs and my ECG reading skills. ;)

This Is How It Feels

There were a few times when I almost got to this page to blog a new post, then decided I will not do a half-hearted attempt. Okay fine, I'm just a little busy. It's edging nearer to exams. About 5 weeks now. :(

Anyway, my long case presentation last week was fine, the Dr marking us was very nice so we got off alright. Interesting case I got though, diagnosis was pleural effusion, but the interesting part was trying to figure out what was the cause. Was it due to her chronic renal failure or was it new heart failure causing fluid overload? Or did she have a pneumonia? How about malignancy? Hmm...

I have to do another assessment (which should be presentation + examination in front of the consultant) tomorrow. Sigh, tis is the life of a medical student; full of assessments, reports and learning to perform on demand under scrutiny and pressure. I feel like an actor sometimes. Let me tell you, it is not glamorous at all, it is nothing like on House or Scrubs - it is made up of blood, sweat and tears. 

Now that I'm nearing the end of 5th year, I can feel the other different aspects of working life seeping in... I have had my share of difficulties in this rotation. Things like how to work in a team with colleagues who can be very different from you. And that one has to slowly work up the rungs before you can be acknowledged. Other things like your patients might not always like you and guess what? It goes both ways as well. But hey, I always try my best to be nice to my patients. If you don't like me, sorry-lah.

I want to end this post by reminding myself - this is how it feels to be a medical student. I don't have too long more till the end of the road, but yes I want to remember this feeling, so that in the future, when I'm on the higher end, I will do my best to help and teach them. 

Because I remember how it feels like.

Perception

Am feeling surprisingly light-hearted as of now despite:

1. My long case assessment being tomorrow. Will just handle as it comes I guess. Hope I get a simple one please!
2. Having to go in for ward rounds today as we thought the consultant will be doing one later. Guess what, consultant is on leave. And nobody knew? boohoo.
3. Having a very soggy sandwich for lunch due to poor foresight that microwaving my hash brown on top of it will make the sandwich go "splat"!

But there were some good things today too:

1. Met a nice doctor in the common room who started talking to me.Was able to identify my country of origin from my accent lol. He is from Malaysia as well and even knew some of my seniors. Was nice to be able to make a connection without trying too hard, for once. Too bad I was rushing for time!
2. Attended grand rounds today (albeit a little grudgingly) but turned out to be surprisingly useful for once! Now I can put into use my knowledge of interpretation of liver function tests. cool.

So this goes to show - sometimes what you feel is just a matter of perception. :)

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By the way, I realised the perception of "a nice day" is different for Asians and Aussies, as a general rule. I love that today is a relatively cloudy day, with a nice breeze. They think that "a nice day" is a day full of bright sunshine that burns thy skin. Go figure.

I used to don't mind being in the sunshine back home cause for one, it didn't burn my skin. But here, with the high high UV rays, I need to slather on sunscreen and avoid being in the sun too much, or else it will be hello - heat-induced dermatitis! :( Oh and don't forget skin cancers too!

6.5/52

All the dramas aside, which have been resolved now by the way - do you  know it's 6.5 weeks left till my major MAJOR exams?

AHHHHHH!! *freaked out*

Need to stop procastinating and start STUDYING!

PS: Oh wait, I got myself some half priced gourmet ice cream today!! Me happy! Need it for the stress. :P

Unconditional

It has been one week since you left. And it has also been an emotionally and physically draining week.

The theme for this week's mishaps would be: Misunderstandings and Apologies.

I'm so tired of being rash and saying the wrong things to the wrong people and getting myself into trouble. If you don't know, saying you are sorry is not easy... certainly a test of your communication skills! But I must say, 知错能改 (being able to admit I'm wrong and turn over a new leaf) is one of my strengths.

Add all these misunderstandings and trying to make things right to a sick body. You get a person who is emotionally and physically drained.

Let this be a lesson to myself. It's okay to prattle along about yourself, but watch what you say. Now, I don't find it surprising why some people much rather keep their opinions to themselves and be a 好好先生 instead.

And it's so exhausting to keep everyone happy. Walking oh-so-carefully, trying to not tread on anyone's tails. I really hate this.

Whatever happened to really being yourself? I find myself being more and more disillusioned. 

Perhaps you would like to say - welcome to the real world, where things don't go your way - not until you are at the top, anyway.

I thought at the very least I could be myself, truly myself with you... but nowadays I find that I have to be cautious as well.

You know, all everyone wanted is unconditional acceptance. But perhaps there is no such thing in this world afterall.

Rash

I did something really rash today. Should have thought longer before doing things like that. Now I have to swallow my pride and apologize.

This is some self-perpetrated deep shit. AHHHH!!

wtfwtfwtfwtf.

I don't even know if he will accept my apology. shit!!

My friends said I'm not in the wrong... but I feel like punching myself for being so rash and stupid. sigh.

Soon

I'm so excited that I have initial insomnia and early awakening today!! Why?

Because the bf is coming to visit me soon in a few hours' time! After about 9 months of being apart! He will be staying for 1 week only though... But it's better than nothing of coz.

Ahhh... I should probably try to get more sleep. Coz I'm actually still tired.

But yay! so happy!! :D

Trigger

Seeing the video of my friends singing on Facebook reminded me of the good ol' days where things were easy and happy.

Back then, I didn't have to think twice before saying something, I was comfortable just being myself. I had friends who were really friends, not just hi-bye-how-are-you-going-but-actually-i-dont-really-care friends. No. We had a lot of fun, fun that everybody could relate to, fun doing simple things like hanging out, eating good food and singing and chatting. Even going to uni for classes was relatively fun, coz that was the time we hung out. 

It makes me sad though how friends become more and more distant as distance comes between them. I can try to bridge the gap, but there is only so much one side can do.

As time goes on, the memories start to fade - or more like it's buried deep down under so that I can function. But time and time again, something triggers them, and they are brought up like a tsunami with a vengeance - unpredictable and overwhelming. They remind me of what I used to have. What I am missing...

Don't get me wrong, I do have a few good friends over here (thank god for them!) but I do miss the comfyness I used to have chatting with other uni-mates. Now, they are my "colleagues" I suppose, not really close friends per se? Sometimes I find it difficult to establish a bond with some of them, due to cultural differences... which is going to be hard when it comes to working, as everything is all about networking. 

Gotta work on those ice-breakers lines a little more. bleargh. I was never good at small talk. >.< But I think I'm improving at that aspect when talking to patients at least. Now just gotta up the game a little more!

Now, let's talk about the weather, shall we?

Steep

Today is my second week of general medicine. As my previous post eluded to, have been feeling a tad useless (yes even as a medical student lately!).

I realised something, I'm not a very observant person - if left to my own devices, my mind tends to drift off to somewhere. Which is not good if that somewhere is during ward rounds. woops.

Funnily, I need to be kept on my toes. I don't mind being asked questions or asked to examine the patient even though I might not know the answers (well as long as the dr is not too harsh lah okay). That's how I pay attention learn. But so far my team hasn't been really that great in terms of teaching, but fair enough, they are really busy.

Guess I will have to learn on my own. Take history, examine patients myself. Improving on communication skills as well. The accent (or lack thereof) doesn't help though. :/ And I talk too fast. Bad for elderly patients, which make up the majority here. And sometimes I'm not thorough enough coz I don't want to make them huff and puff for me. However, sometimes one needs to be unkind to be kind. yeah.

But you know what. I'm learning. Always a steep learning curve. And it seems to get steeper as it goes. *grits teeth*

One Day

I was feeling kinda upset on friday night as a lot of things didn't go so well during my gen med on-take that day.

But I gotta realise, this is just part and parcel of our lives - just gotta hang on, deal with it and emerge stronger.

It might seemed like a long journey indeed, but one day, I will get there. If I continue to try. Keep that fire burning!

The Bigger Picture

I need to learn how to control this unruly stress of unknown origin. Why do I feel stressed when things are not going the way I want? Small things, but they irk me so. I need to change. Being a control freak (even though it's my own life) ain't getting me nowhere. And binge eating to deal with stress is NOT good. arggh.

I need to look at the bigger picture. There are so many more important things for me to worry about do. As my mum once told me when I was very young: "If other people can do it, why not you?"

Breathe.

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Update: How many medical students does it take to change a lightbulb? Trick question. :P

The correct answer is two, to be precise. If there is anything I have to give thanks for during my time in Perth, it is my friend, Debbi. She has been there for me whenever I needed her. :)

But hey, I can't believe I feel so annoyed with myself for such a silly thing as being unable to change a lightbulb. Yes because I'm vertically challenged and we don't own a ladder. Am I being too hard on myself? But shouldn't a young adult be able to do something so simple on his/her own? I'm not keen to play the maiden in distress role, thank you very much.

In a way, I'm happy that my annoyance led to me being determined to try, so I managed to screw the new bulb and cover back on by standing on an albeit wobbly table. All by myself.

As Hiro from Heroes would say: "Yatta!" :D

Here is it, in my face - proof that I can do things if I want to - if I try hard enough.

Perhaps there is some truth in my mum's words afterall. :)

Precious Life

My condolences to the people who are suffering as a result of the Manila hostage incident that happened yesterday.

Be it the families of the victims or the other innocent philiphine people working in other countries. All this happens because of an inept corrupt government with a lousy police force.

My home country, take heed. This might be where things are heading if the top guns don't buck up.

I am studying to be a doctor because I want to save lives, I want people to have better quality of lives. I want them to stay healthy and happy. But here is an instance where precious lives are just wasted for nothing.

I would like to serve the people in my home country but the situation there is just too hopeless and I don't see any chance it will be changing a lot soon. Sometimes, we have to be a little bit selfish too - because they are not looking out for our welfare at all. Because to them, we are just 'pendatang'. So tell me why should I stay and be discriminated against?

I was listening to this song in Glee, I wish the lyrics were true. Can I be an idealist?

Imagine

Imagine There's No Countries

It Isn't Hard To Do

Nothing To Kill Or Die For

And No Religion Too

Imagine All The People

Living Life In Peace (Youuuu)

You May Say I'm A Dreamer

But I'm Not The Only One

I Hope Someday You Will Join Us

And The World We'll Be As One

Imagine No Possessions

I Wonder If You Can

No Need For Greed Or Hunger

A Brotherhood Of Man

Imagine All The People

Sharing All The World (Youuuu)

You May Say I'm A Dreamer

But I'm Not The Only One

I Hope Someday You Will Join Us

And The World Will Live As One

What That Is

It gives me a funny strangled feeling in my chest looking at photos of old friends doing new things with new people. And you realised that you could have been in those photos as well.

If you were there.

But life goes on. Despite of what could have been, it's now what that is.

#1 Wishlist ♥

Having more free time alone in the past 1.5 years have made me more aware of fashion styles via fashion blogs.

Here are some of things I have been lusting after. Either difficult to find and/or too expensive. sigh, next year hopefully can find some part time work :p

This is called a boyfriend blazer. Very versatile piece of clothing, worth to buy actually.

But difficult to find one that really fits and is not too expensive. I guess well-cut clothes are expensive.

And I need a new handbag for work too. My current one is going to fall to pieces soon. And I just got it this year too! Lousy quality.

Currently love those vintage/leather looking bags.

This is the Balenciaga work bag actually.

I'm not really a person into branded stuff, as long as it looks good, that's fine by me.

Vintage looking saddle bag!

But maybe a bit too small to stuff all my work stuff in. But for going out would be great!

Should probably look into some of the malaysian blogs, they normally have pretty reasonably priced stuff.

Suspender tights! Cool right?

This is by House of Holland (which is said to be too flimsy), and imitates the original one by Topshop below.

Heart shaped ones!! How to not <3 them right?

Omg. Wish that I'll be working soon...so I won't feel guilty buying things I want! ^v^ And have the financial power to do so too! :p

One more year plus, hopefully! I can do it!!