I dunno why, but this post by Kevin stirred up a little inside.
That someone, somewhere feels the same way as me. Dying inside a little everyday. Drowning slowly in this sea of emptyness. Sucked slowly into the quicksands of loneliness.
Have you ever tried to be at home almost 24/7 for months on end? Literally. Only going out for clinic once a week. Or the occasional trip to grandma's hse?
Let me tell you, it gets lonely after a while. Family is nice. But I guess I'm not one to take things slow.
I need things to do. Sights to see. Memories to make. People to talk to. Interesting things to experience. Every day.
I think it makes me feel alive.
Even just being with friends would suffice. Coz they make my day, however shitty it might have been. But alas, they are not here with me. And for a long time to come in the future.
I have tried to be productive. To keep my mind off things, ya know? But do you know how hard is it to try to study when there's no motivation whatsoever?
I have thought of writing a story too. But do you know how hard is it to come up with a proper intelligible plot? There is no point in starting if I do not have a plot in hand. Coz if I were to start writting at least smtg of a novella size, after putting so much effort in it, well the story shld at least be a relatively good one, right?
So tell me, what's a girl gotta do?
I used to feel the same way when then were long holidays before. But it wasn't so bad, coz after the 2 months' long break, there was smtg to look forward to. Believe it or not, it was returning to uni - and back to comfort of friends.
But now? 5 long months at a stretch. With nothing else to look forward to except going to a foreign country to start my clinical years. It's exciting, yes but scary as well. Buried deep inside me - there is this little thought, this little worry that I might not be able to fit in, won't be able to adapt well to the differences there.
You know, sometimes when you have come to a certain age, when you'd seen so much - there comes a time when it feels tiring to make new friends?
To go thru all the getting to know each other etc and sometimes, you find out that you guys lack that certain spark or chemistry to be better friends?
I'm not talking abt those hi-and-bye friends. When I say friends here, I meant those who you hold dearly to your heart and whom you are so familiar with that you can afford to discard all formalities and be your very own self before them.
When you have already found your niche in the world with them, sometimes you ask yourself, why do you need to find more?