Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Empty Stretch

I dunno why, but this post by Kevin stirred up a little inside.

That someone, somewhere feels the same way as me. Dying inside a little everyday. Drowning slowly in this sea of emptyness. Sucked slowly into the quicksands of loneliness.

Have you ever tried to be at home almost 24/7 for months on end? Literally. Only going out for clinic once a week. Or the occasional trip to grandma's hse?

Let me tell you, it gets lonely after a while. Family is nice. But I guess I'm not one to take things slow.

I need things to do. Sights to see. Memories to make. People to talk to. Interesting things to experience. Every day.

I think it makes me feel alive.

Even just being with friends would suffice. Coz they make my day, however shitty it might have been. But alas, they are not here with me. And for a long time to come in the future.

I have tried to be productive. To keep my mind off things, ya know? But do you know how hard is it to try to study when there's no motivation whatsoever?

I have thought of writing a story too. But do you know how hard is it to come up with a proper intelligible plot? There is no point in starting if I do not have a plot in hand. Coz if I were to start writting at least smtg of a novella size, after putting so much effort in it, well the story shld at least be a relatively good one, right?

So tell me, what's a girl gotta do?

I used to feel the same way when then were long holidays before. But it wasn't so bad, coz after the 2 months' long break, there was smtg to look forward to. Believe it or not, it was returning to uni - and back to comfort of friends.

But now? 5 long months at a stretch. With nothing else to look forward to except going to a foreign country to start my clinical years. It's exciting, yes but scary as well. Buried deep inside me - there is this little thought, this little worry that I might not be able to fit in, won't be able to adapt well to the differences there.

You know, sometimes when you have come to a certain age, when you'd seen so much - there comes a time when it feels tiring to make new friends?

To go thru all the getting to know each other etc and sometimes, you find out that you guys lack that certain spark or chemistry to be better friends?

I'm not talking abt those hi-and-bye friends. When I say friends here, I meant those who you hold dearly to your heart and whom you are so familiar with that you can afford to discard all formalities and be your very own self before them.

When you have already found your niche in the world with them, sometimes you ask yourself, why do you need to find more?


LY@nn said...

zizi, sometimes strangers are just friends waiting to happen...sometimes u pick them, sometimes they pick u....but nevertheless, give urself & others a chance. :) :) we'll never know if we dun try.

Titus Tang said...

I could almost copy and paste your post and put it in my blog.

You're not alone

debbi said...

Hey zyun,

The other day my mum suddenly asked me 'how do you feel now, going to australia already'. Somehow i just shrugged the question off thinking that it's still too early to even brood over it. Yup, it's like avoidance. I'll think of it when the time comes that kind of thing. Haha.

I have the same fear about going overseas, trying to fit in and all that. Plus it's my first time ever living outside home :)

Guess we'll just have to have some faith. We'll have fun there :)

k33LaLa said...

dont worry dear. Im sure u will make new frens when u are in ausie. Cheer up ya..

Zzzyun said...

liyannie> strangers are just frenz waiting to happen. i like that phrase. =) i dunno, i guess i hv no choice, i will definitely make new frenz thr of coz. just tat i dunno if they will be as good as u guys hv been to me.

titus> i'm glad thr's another person who feel the same way as me! it makes me feel not so alone.

Zzzyun said...

debbi> yeah i keep telling myself, it's too early to think abt it etc. but with so much time on my hands, my brain just like to play tricks on me! haha..

well we'll be company to each other in a foreign land, right? =) oh it's ur 1st time living away from home meh? i tot u're staying in vista last time?

anyway, lets try to hv a good time there! ^v^ we can go exploring hoho

keekee> thks dear. i know i'll make new frenz. just tat sometimes it's tiring to get to know ppl from da start all over again.. haih. and actually tats not the main point of this post =/

fun fun ^_^ said...

Why see it that way my gal?? Instead of viewing making new friends ike a chore, see it as opportunities!! Opportunities to meet extraordinary ppl... And when we colide with different ppl, we get whole new life experiences. Experiences that will teach us lifetime lessons... I'm sure you've learn alot from meeting us in IMU, at least it gave you more confidence in the area of friendship rite... Think positive, you might met ppl way better than us... Just be cautious, but don't fear. =)

fun fun ^_^ said...

Argh I just noticed banyak spelling errors...

debbi said...

Yup first time. Nola, didn't live in vista. My house was just 15 minutes drive away from imu :)

Zzzyun said...

funfun> yeah i know what u mean. but it gets tiring after a while. maybe u wont understand how i feel. u're very lucky to have the same bunch of frenz since high sch ya know.

but since this is an inevitable thing, i guess i'll try to view it in a positive light. the future frenz i make can be good, can be bad.. thr's no guarantee. tats why i feel tired of going thru the whole process again..

debbi> oh i see.. i tot u were hsemates with Min. haha no worries, i've been living away home for 2.5 yrs now. so can help u out a bit! :P