This Is For You

I've been putting this post off - coz maybe in a way I wanna put off the pain that I'm sure would come rushing to overwhelm me once I start reminizing.

This post is in loving memory of you.

News of your death came to me in the form of a sms at an odd hour, and many many days after the real event. Coz none saw fit to tell me the news when it happened. I wonder why.

It was a sudden shock to me, coz the latest news I had of you was that you were just waiting for the operation so that you can get better to come back and teach. No one told me what the operation was for, so I assumed it was just a minor one. Something that would not get you down.

You seemed perfectly healthy to me the last time I saw you. Little did I know it would be the last chance I'd ever lay eyes on you. If I'd known, I'd have appreciate that little time left a little more.

I have known you since I was just a little kid of nine. You might not be a family member, but to me, you seemed more real to me than my actual grandfather was to me. You were not just a teacher, you were a wise friend that was willing to listen to the rants of a troubled teenage girl.

You not only gave me a listening ear, you also gave me sound advice. Advice that might sound weird then, but thinking back now, made a lot of sense. You were also a great storyteller, often entralling me with stories of your past encounters. Till today, I remember them well and wonder how much of those were true. haha. How I miss those happy innocent times.

If not for you, I might not be where I am today. I might have become a rather lousy student, a rebel without a reason. *think of those good-for-nothing kids that end up in jail becoz of some small crime* I wouldn't be able to do medicine today. But I can stand proudly here now, because you were there.

I told you most of my thoughts - how I would never like a guy (hey it was just one of those youngish misnomers), my theories on death and the universe, how unjustly I felt that my parents were treating me (ravages of puberty I reckoned) etc - it was really almost everything. Truth to be told, I opened up to you more than I could ever do to my own parents.

Do you remember I asked you once a long time ago to come back from the dead (if there was such an existence of coz) and tell me how it's like there? So that I won't be afraid of the unknown anymore. But you never came. Did you forget our promise or is there no such thing as life after death? I wish you would appear in any form to tell me you are well and happy now...

Now, the tears don't come anymore (not like those that came when I first heard of the news) coz in a way I've already gotten used to life without you. I saw lesser and lesser of you once I went to college. And even less so when I went to KL to study. But somewhere in the depths of my heart - although how naive a thought that could be - I always thought that you will be there for me if I might suddenly need you to listen again.

But you are gone now, to a better place where you will never be sad again. But I feel cheated coz I did not know of this impending event. I feel sad that I wasn't in time to tell you about the new special someone in my life. So at least you will know that you were right after all. I wish you knew how many things I'd like to tell you now about my current life, if I was allowed some private alone time with you. A priviledge I no longer possess.

Anyhow, I think you have led a fulfilling happy life and I'm glad. Although there might be some sad spots in your life, you were able to overcome them with determination and courage. Something that I will take to heart.

Rest in peace, Mr Chin. *soft sigh* I loved you and thank you for everything. =)